Day 15, 16, 17, and so on

Today was a trip down memory lane.


Hung out in the old hood today. Not actually hood, Western and Armitage, Bucktown, Wicker Park. Remembering the good times. Red Hot hot dogs and the liquor store run that led to my house on late nights above the Bank. Last good memory i have in that house is of you.....Dance parties and good beer. I think you made me Mexican food once. one of those nights  you stayed with me like nothing else mattered.

Spent some time at the Maproom today. Lots of memories sitting at the bar, arguing with you, crying with you, kissing you as if no one cared. I remember the time I walked over there in the rain to meet you after the incident at the Christmas Party, that we never dare talk about again, and you never showed. I say there for 3 hrs reading the Red Eye, over and over till i memorized it. it wasn't pathetic, I just was in Love. and haven't been since. i remember the alley way with the heated garage where all i can remember is looking down at you as your face, in between my legs. All you wanted to do is make me happy. I think now, i should have done the same instead of asked so many questions. My questions, eventually, destroyed us.

This really has all been scattered in the back of my head for a long time, till now. I took the Western Blue line and remember the time i look the lineto meet you off Damen for the Wicker Park Fest where we drank at Nicks and had a good buzz on by 3pm. Miss that day. Hot as hell, but you never let go of my hand the whole time. I was yours that day...

For some reason, I thought of all you today. Well, i still think of you everyday, but not like before.

I remember the first time i met you. i still cant remember what my Life was like before that. Was i comfortable? Happy? Sad? Oblivious?
That first day/night was the best memory I have in Chicago. Ill never forget the boundaries I pushed. I can never forget sitting at that game, I knew you were a Big mistake, and a risky one, but I knew I didn't care. it was my time to let go. and yours as well.

All carefree until that fuckin Christmas party.

You know I only went to be with you, not "watch" you.  I wanted to be near you. I figured I could experience "strippers" with you, out of my element. But you were "out of my element" since the first day I met you. We had done so much up to that point that normal people don't do.

I really know I shouldn't, but i can not stop apologizing in my head over and over each day, on how bad i hurt you that night. I never meant for it to get out of hand like it did. I can say now after all this time,  i did nothing than be my insecure self. i never even thought of touching any other man other than you. When i said i loved you, I meant it. I did. I loved you......I was in love with you.

Remember sitting at Swig?
Remember the guy who brought you into realization that I was there. In that moment, for you.  I proclaimed my emotions, my heart and my Soul that night. I knew that was our turning point and that there was no going back after that. Things would never be the same. The uncomfortable comfortable just became uncomfortable.

I remember you driving me to my grandmothers funeral and wake. No one ever cared that much for me. I owed you everything that day. When you met my father. I felt at peace. The most important people in my life meeting at one point in time....It was a sign I was on the right path. Everything happens for a reason was proved that day.

Sometimes i wonder if i truly miss you, or just the person you made me into.
I miss your laugh and your carefree nature. Undoubtedly, your laugh.
I miss that we didn't care what other people thought and we could be ourselves. No one judged us. No one cared. they just knew we were happy. They were jealous. How couldn't they be? We were Perfect. Perfectly unstable.

Considering all the circumstances.


You have left me trapped. I try to return to who I was before i met you. But I cant. I'm at a wall. I'm uncomfortable around you now. I feel like I don't know "this you". I remember "him" and how to act around "him". The old you. I'm not sure of who you are now. This is who you were before you met me. The person I don't know. I'm scared of this person. This isn't the man who told me he loved me, this is the man who never knew me. I cant really explain it, and I hate it. I hate it because its not you.


I am not desperate.
I am not Lonely.
Just Alone

Day 12-14

Sit.
Heavier than it looks, isnt it?
If you could go back , would you do it all the same?
Im surprised to hear that. And Glad

Today you got a hard look behind the curtain.
Recoreing the natural order is not quite such fun,
when you have to mop up the mess.

This is hard for you.
You throw away your Life and assume it will bounce
right back into your lap.

The Human soul is not a rubber ball.
Its vulnerable.Inpermanent. But stronger than you know.
More vulnerable than you can imagine.

So?
I think you have learned something today.
We are done here.
Its been lovely.

day 11

To a good weekend. and an early Friday....

The Time has come. Be real. Embrace the weekend. Embrace the holiday.
I'm full of Holidays

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9_ipu9GKw

Day 10

Day 10-----

Sighs.

Long week so far. Tons going on.

Nothing real exciting going on in reality. I am finding it hard to write on here, hoping it doesn't possess me to not write. I have a lot going on in the mind.

I cant wait to see my Father. Maybe he can sort some of this out.

Going away this weekend. Every time i make up my mind to head to the burbs to visit the family, that I miss so much, I contemplate all the talk and conversations i have to have with my mother.

:Are you coming alone?
Is it that hard for you to date Kimberly?
are you a lesbian?
Doesn't it hurt to not be able to share your time with someone?
Hows work dear?


Its like Christmas all over again, every year, running into the bathroom upstairs, sitting on the floor, balling my eyes out bc I am alone.

I'm not lonely, just Alone.

So i started up a Linkedin account the other day and i get a message from my first Love. His name was Jim Iles. He was the kindest man I had ever met. Such a gentleman, such loyalty. It was the first time my heart fell and he rose to claim it. He is married now with a 4years old. That makes me smile. It has its purpose. He completes the cycle of all my ex lovers that are happy now, either married, children or something better.
He was the beginning of my end. It was the first and not the last time i let something good go without regret.  It was a cycle that i would never break...
Till now.

I'm holding onto a lot of regrets lately. Questioning my actions over the past 15 years. Was it all for some cosmic purpose? Is this where I am suppose to be? Am i really happy? Whats so important that everyone else can find the true meaning to Life and I am stuck here still, pouring out my heart over instant messenger? ha, no one is a romantic like myself. (makes me smile) Maybe this is my real Life, my reality. Maybe i am just looking for some superficial meaning to all this when really all the answers are here already. Why does being a single woman in a big city so difficult.

The grass is not greener on the other side, but the other side has potential. And potential can lead to many more colors than just Green.

I tried my Best.

Did I mention that I cant wait to see my dad again?
Yeah, well I am...

Day 8-9

Patience is a Virtue.....

So I will wait.
And Walk.

Day 4 through 7

WED: Nothing really happened Wed besides getting my ass handed to me again in tennis. Taking on this new hobby is exhilarating. No really. Never felt better. Im liking this change...

THURS: Work. Sleep. Eat. Garbage...oh wait. Had lunch at El Cid with my Dirtbag, AKA Beth. Was really nice to see her. Its been a long time, feels like forever since. She informed me she is doing well and happy in her life. Shes buying a house with a man she has been dating. Just really, honestly, so happy for her. Tragic life can turn into something beautiful with the right amount of patience and time.
I admit, i was jealous. But it will happen. Im not worried.
I was sad too, I feel like I am really loosing her the farther she moves away. I know its not true, just politics. All my love....

FRI: Today was a good day. A great day actually. So the NATO conference and practically placed me prisioner in my own home. There was a security guard who is monitoring my building 24/7.
Rules: No deliveries. No guests.
Not going to stop me of course.

Today was good. Work went quick and the weekend has arrived.

I came home and reconnected with an old friend. his name is Jamie. He just had another baby, kinda jealous. Not going to lie.

Drinks with Jimmy. Ha, weirdest thing happened. we were sitting outside having a cold one and a butterfly, get this, just landed on him. I know its not fascinating, but it was simple. Simple and perfect. Its a sign.

Ha, then the night ended with dancing and good friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better. i missed this. I missed just being me, simple. No worries. The warm night air. Reconnecting. No regrets. Just pure bliss. Its been a long time since I felt that. I hope to feel it again.

SAT: TENNIS!!!! DOG PARK!!! Police on every corner. Prison in my own city! LOL. Heading out to the burbs tonight to enjoy yet again another free evening. Enjoying the weather, eating Subway and smiling!

SAT: ie, So, I have really started to enjoy my weekends off. No more bar tending EVER> I'm giving up working in an industry that left me 10 years ago. To think I have been chasing this career? So much time wasted. So many useless memories. Eh, ok i admit it; I have regrets. Dont we all?


"So far away but still so near....."

Day 3

I am so sore....i got my ass whooped! LOL Day 4 shows promise.

Day 3: 9:58pm

Ming Choy and Riesling tonight on a roof deck. Then the rain came.

The conversations we have are amazing on the roof deck, us two. I miss her.
She always knows what to say. She tells me to seek out my soul mate. I told her no, no, he is gone for now. My heart falls and no one came to claim it. She laughed. My hands they re Strong but my knees were far too weak to be myself. That's how i lost him. that's how i fell to my feet. There was a side to me he never knew, things I said, games I played that were never true. I missed my chance. 13 years later.
Sharing my fondest memories with you, to her, she again, laughed. "one day........" Never true.

My life is changing very soon. Moving again in a few months. I can not wait to start my new Home. I'm still thinking of ways to scream out to my landlord I'm moving. I'm about to burst. Im scared of moving again in with someone, but this place here, it has memories, I want to forget.

Had another laser treatment today. This time, I cried. The pain was unbearable but i will never tell anyone that. I don't cry. 6  more treatments and hopefully we will be in the clear.

I was walking home from the treatment today, walking around in a sundress with a huge bandage on and i was sad. I walked by a little girl and her father. Adele, again on the play list playing in my ears ....Ah, Adele, you filthy whore.

I received a smile.
This little girl looked at me as if I was an Angel, or had one on my shoulder. Made my day. Fuck it, it made my week.....

Day 2

Day 2: May 14th, 2012 8:28am

So for some reason I woke up super early this morning, way before the alarm. Justifying the fact why I am sitting here writing so early.

Wow, my blog from last night got a lot of responses.
Don't worry people, I am OK.
Remember never pity.
A girl just has some thought and writing them out, with whatever way they come across on a page, is just a release. Its better sometimes to release the emotion instead of holding it all on my shoulders.
I am OK. Promise.

I'm off to work. Got to love a 5 minute walk!! And yes, I will enjoy the weather today.....!


Day 2: 1:28pm

So I'm deciding since it is nice out today to go get a pedicure. yeah i could be joining the rest of the crew for lunch and drinks, but i think I'm past that. I seem to be only hanging out with past lovers or overdue ones lately so.... Tennis later tonight with Brit at Grant Park and maybe some Chinese food somewhere in between. Now the pedicure....What is it?

So I met a man once that told me a woman's nails and toenails should always match. Color wise that is. What is it about matching nails? Erotic?? I kinda see the point but not really. Are men really looking at our feet anyways....? Most of them really despise feet actually. Its in our heads. We women think we need to "up" to impress. Honestly, its about the mind, not really the color i choose to paint my nails, but the process of me wanting to keep myself well maintained? Is it even possible to be "well-maintained" in this City?

Besides that, I quit today. Smoking that is. Yeah, would you have ever guessed? Not a lady like me, huh? LOL. I have tattoos also but no one seems to believe me until I tell them. No really, it was time. Its not really the health issue, OK, it was, but I'm just basically over it. I had no reason to be doing it. I use to  think it was a stress reliever , that was until I found batteries. :) Lets see how long this one last. Yet again, another first for Ms. Bennett.

I'll keep you posted on the tennis....

Day 1

Day 1: May 13th, 2012 11:25PM

I had a realization today. I have not been myself. Things are going to change. For the better, of course....
No more writing on Love. Not that I don't believe in it, but its not the real Love we look for. Its Lust.
The kind of things we strive for to make us whole. Life. A path only I can choose, with or without those who want to come along. Its taking me 31 years to find myself, and I have been found.

today, honestly, I didn't spend it with my mother. I was lazy. pretending to convince myself I was sick, when only really it was the hangover from the 3 dirty martinis I had the night before. Oh, I really do hate lying. Its not me anymore. I just have a tendency to tell others what they want to hear and not what I need them to hear.

Spending most of the latter point of the day, wasted sleeping. Watching survivor, game of thrones and Girls. Yeah, I didn't even go out to enjoy this beautiful day. I didn't even once think to pick up the phone and call my mother, on top of having no problem responding to text messages from undeserving suitors. My true pathetic self came out today.

Last night, i spent it with my friend Brit. She's a crazy little lady I tell ya. Bigger heart than mine sometimes. I was in her room, watching her put herself together for our night out and she was dressing herself looking for something to wear. I tell ya, shes amazing inside and out. I wish she could only look in the mirror and see what I see. She dressed herself as we sang out loud to the Adele CD; it was quite charming. (All smiles). She tried on somethings that she mentioned an ex had bought for her. They were beautiful. That's when I started crying. It was self pity, I suppose, never having anything bought for me by any man. Yeah, I cried. Self loathing. But its true. and I started to wonder why.

Its not about the material aspect but just being that close to someone where they want to share everything with you, see you happy. I forgot what that felt like. I forgot what it felt to really be that close, mentally to someone. So I continued to cry. I laugh now, today because I have had opportunities like that, but I never was my true self long enough to enjoy those aspects.

And it made me realize.

I need to change. Everything....so its day 1....today I will start anew....

I can only imagine what would be in store tomorrow.

A End to all Ends

Heart beats fast.

Colors and promises.

How to be brave.

How can I love when I'm afraid?



To fall
To forget you?



But watching you stand alone



All of my doubt



Suddenly goes away somehow





One step closer
In another Lifetime






I have died everyday
waiting for you
don't be afraid
I have loved you for a,
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more.




Time stands still
beauty in all she is.



I will be brave.



I will not let anything,
Take away,
My Lifetime



What's standing in front of me,
In another Lifetime



Every breath,
Every hour has come to this.





And all along I believed,
I would find you
In another Lifetime



Time has brought,
Your heart to me.



And all along I believed
I would find you
In another Lifetime



Time has brought
You to me.
Not this Lifetime.


Till then....

Response to a "Mr. 50 Shades of Grey"

Dear Sir,


Ive have been thinking all morning of something clever. I normally aim to please, but I need to be frank first.



I am not your ordinary woman. I am not a submissive type. I am a working hard professional, independent and very aggressive. As you can tell,  I am not shy. Not one bit. I hold back on nothing. I am the aggressor. I am the the Dominant. I am always in control. I know what I want, what I like and will do anything to get my way. Now, now don't be turned off by this. I am not looking to play your role, I am looking to stop playing it. I for once want to satisfy my craving for "letting go" as some say. I am looking to be, for once, the submissive. I am tired of always being the one in control. I have everything I want in life, except fulfillment in my fantasies. This is my fantasy, to ones only, and I will do anything to achieve that.



I just want to let go.



Now, I can play this role, not because its suited for me in everyday life, but because I find my self sexual overwhelmed by letting go of the reins and leaving the control to another. I am aggressive in my sexual nature. I don't make love, I fuck. I want the aggression, I want to feel it in every fucking inch of my body. I want to be dominated, because this only, will satisfy me.



I am not one either to share my submissiveness with other sub-missives. I know you may frown upon this, but I say it not due to my experimentation in threesomes, but because when I am being fucked, I want all the attention. I do not like to share, therefore I will not.



I am willing to explore all possibilities in this nature with you. I can promise I do not disappoint, but I will not go out of my way to prove my passion, because I know you will not be disappointed.



Now I have my hard limits and my soft limits. I will not take part in anything anally, or any type of fisting. Besides that being said. I am open to ANYTHING else. I am also open to taking my punishment for not pleasing you in whole. I think we all should be punished for not pleasuring correctly. Dont you agree?



 I want to save bedroom manner for the bedroom. I am an exhibitionist. I like to take the risk and I don't mind if I am caught. I enjoy being taken advantage of and being used to where I can not even walk the next day. I enjoy touch, light or hard and will never say stop. (although, I do believe in "safe" words as an option if you don't mind)



Now if all of this has kept you intrigued, even wondering anything about me; I'd be glad to hear back from you. If not, good luck in your endevours. But, if you choose to play...you know where to find me Sir.



Till then,

In Another Life...

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
 
In another life
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world


Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
And it's peaceful in the deep,
Cathedral where you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under.


Found the place to rest my head.
End Scene....







Dont cry baby

This is how the story went

I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away

And It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away with yours.


I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
becasue that is the way it is intended.


Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain.
Its been raining here for days.
Someone is crying

It isnt me

Smiles

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any sins
I had no idea of the state we were in.



I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head.


When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?


Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece.