i sit here in the dark and listen to the sirens outside my window and i pray that i am still here to pray. I enjoy the dark. i enjoy my away time, my time away from all the chaos outside my door. i can be myself in here and not the person you expect me to be. obstacles are coming to a point where i can not figure out how deep i have dug. i can not find you so therefore; i can not find myself. you are a ghost. a ghost i say. an invisible force that i will never have the honor of starring into eyes. Eyes-of madness. Eyes of fear. You are scarred correct? that is what hold s you back; or maybe it is your "preference" based on your Circe of "friends"? ? ? or maybe just your preference of the female body? or maybe your preference?
When I think of you i imagine you to be narcissistic; flattered by your own form. i imagine you look in the mirror and say "wow" i am desirable. Women:Men want me and they have yet no idea who i really am inside. I know who you are enigma. Your internal bleeding is that of your soul which has been broken. you have been broken, as myself, so many times that it becomes a part of you. no worries..it is what you were met to do. its how you are meant to feel.
i shut the door and imagine smells of soap as your distinct aroma. you know that smell that when you say it sounds strange but when you smell it; it evolves into a smile across the face. ? ? ?

Oh the anger. is this anger? i hope you re seeing this straight because i am not.
time to play..lets try to keep it less dark and more "fake"..

behind Closed doors

its a repeated pattern. A or B A or B A or B A or BA or B A or B A or B A or B. I choose the latter; C./ How was i to know she was sitting at home sick on the couch eating bon bons watching a classic black and white while i sat across from him at a dinner? is it my fault my company is enjoyed as much as it is? im not shallow but i am not a wet blanket either. i am just one person; maybe its my teeth; they are pretty nice. or its the CANVAS attached to my thighs? who knows.. Oh dont get me wrong i knew she was sitting at home; pondering...i still cant get the grin off my face even as i write this. it wasnt the first time and my dear it will not be the last. does that make me a devious person? Yes, yes it does and i like it. i deserve what i want and when i want it. dont we all? some of us are just better at surpressing the things we really want in fear of how we will be judged. this life only happened once. dont even have to ask anymore; i already know from the moment i meet you.

but its all good fun right? nothing personal. no committments. no predestined outcomes. no judgements. no fighting. no favors. no sharing. no picking eachothers brain. no meeting the parents. no kids. no wondering what ifs. no doubting. no guilt. no nonsence.

break me down all you like. i was broken way before you arrived and will remain long after you have left. who are you you narcasistic fool? WHO ARE YOU>?

i have two sides also mystery man....

When I woke up I was 17 -You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream-Showed me things aren't what they appear to be -Called me angel and set me free
-You gave me life in the cold cold dark-But you ran away in the mornings spark-Made me think that reality Is not where I want to be-I am what I am and-I am what I am-afraid of-Oh what am I afraid of?-I need a fearless love-Don't need to fear the end-If you can't hold me now-You will never hold me again-I want to live my life-Pursuing all my happiness-I want a fearless love-I won't settle for anything less
I've walked my path had worlds collide-I lost my way and I fooled my pride-This lover's ache wouldn't feel so strange-If I could only change-Now I'm not here to lay the blame-I understand when you hold a flame-Heads will shake heads will turn
And sometimes you just get burned-------