Ordinarily I write sappy poems for the ones close to me to read for either inspiration, rationalization or just maybe to express things differently. This post is different. this is just writing. plain and simple. Thoughts rambled on paper. Editing not included... You should try it...
No sappy poem, no displaying my emotions with useless words that make people read between the lines. No reading in between the lines. No inconsistencies. Just honest truth.
Life has taken a turn for me. I look for inspiration in everything. Living in a city like this has its ups and downs. Depression taken over by drinking, smoking or just pathetic behavior. There is a reason for this. I am completely incapable of understanding the most important thing in Life: me.
I have questioned growing older and the choices i have made in my life since my divorce. Yes, to those who don't know, i was married when I was 23, divorced by 24. Pathetic huh? Couldn't even keep that one.
No, not pathetic. Everything happens for a reason. I chose to leave my husband to find out who I was. If I had never left that relationship i would have never become who i am today: Independent, strong and faithful.
This post on my Blog is not me looking for salvation by displaying all my sins. I take full responsibility for everything I have done up to this point in my Life. I can blame no one but the person in the mirror. I have made good choices and some not so good choices. I have hurt many people; i have been hurt by many people. I have cared for others who needed care more than me; I have let all my walls down, only to explore the "What ifs", and been disappointed. I have expressed my great desire for Love. I have displayed my complete obsession with sexuality. I have become the Vixen. But yet, I am only human. I have been afraid for others to see the real me. I have said I Love you without ever expecting anything in return. I will NO LONGER be taken advantage of ., nor will i ever choose to explain myself to make you feel better about your choice. You did it because you chose to. You do the things you do and feel the way you feel because that is who you are. You and I have treated each other this way for a reason, but next time I will be more clearer. Next time, you wont question me, nor will I you Sir.
I have lied to my family. I have lied to my friends. I have taken way too many risks to only be let down. I have never given up. Ever. On Anything. I push and I push. I fight inner battles with not only myself on a daily basis but with those around me. There was a time when I though having a Soul didn't exist. I thought if i could learn to go through life with a "cold heartiness" things wouldn't be so difficult. I thought I would never fall back into your arms. I have learned to live half a life. I do what feels right and not what might be right to other people. I choose Life and I chose you.
Maybe its fate and not Luck
To be continued....
