Day 1: May 13th, 2012 11:25PM
I had a realization today. I have not been myself. Things are going to change. For the better, of course....
No more writing on Love. Not that I don't believe in it, but its not the real Love we look for. Its Lust.
The kind of things we strive for to make us whole. Life. A path only I can choose, with or without those who want to come along. Its taking me 31 years to find myself, and I have been found.
today, honestly, I didn't spend it with my mother. I was lazy. pretending to convince myself I was sick, when only really it was the hangover from the 3 dirty martinis I had the night before. Oh, I really do hate lying. Its not me anymore. I just have a tendency to tell others what they want to hear and not what I need them to hear.
Spending most of the latter point of the day, wasted sleeping. Watching survivor, game of thrones and Girls. Yeah, I didn't even go out to enjoy this beautiful day. I didn't even once think to pick up the phone and call my mother, on top of having no problem responding to text messages from undeserving suitors. My true pathetic self came out today.
Last night, i spent it with my friend Brit. She's a crazy little lady I tell ya. Bigger heart than mine sometimes. I was in her room, watching her put herself together for our night out and she was dressing herself looking for something to wear. I tell ya, shes amazing inside and out. I wish she could only look in the mirror and see what I see. She dressed herself as we sang out loud to the Adele CD; it was quite charming. (All smiles). She tried on somethings that she mentioned an ex had bought for her. They were beautiful. That's when I started crying. It was self pity, I suppose, never having anything bought for me by any man. Yeah, I cried. Self loathing. But its true. and I started to wonder why.
Its not about the material aspect but just being that close to someone where they want to share everything with you, see you happy. I forgot what that felt like. I forgot what it felt to really be that close, mentally to someone. So I continued to cry. I laugh now, today because I have had opportunities like that, but I never was my true self long enough to enjoy those aspects.
And it made me realize.
I need to change. Everything....so its day 1....today I will start anew....
I can only imagine what would be in store tomorrow.
