Today was a trip down memory lane.
Hung out in the old hood today. Not actually hood, Western and Armitage, Bucktown, Wicker Park. Remembering the good times. Red Hot hot dogs and the liquor store run that led to my house on late nights above the Bank. Last good memory i have in that house is of you.....Dance parties and good beer. I think you made me Mexican food once. one of those nights you stayed with me like nothing else mattered.
Spent some time at the Maproom today. Lots of memories sitting at the bar, arguing with you, crying with you, kissing you as if no one cared. I remember the time I walked over there in the rain to meet you after the incident at the Christmas Party, that we never dare talk about again, and you never showed. I say there for 3 hrs reading the Red Eye, over and over till i memorized it. it wasn't pathetic, I just was in Love. and haven't been since. i remember the alley way with the heated garage where all i can remember is looking down at you as your face, in between my legs. All you wanted to do is make me happy. I think now, i should have done the same instead of asked so many questions. My questions, eventually, destroyed us.
This really has all been scattered in the back of my head for a long time, till now. I took the Western Blue line and remember the time i look the lineto meet you off Damen for the Wicker Park Fest where we drank at Nicks and had a good buzz on by 3pm. Miss that day. Hot as hell, but you never let go of my hand the whole time. I was yours that day...
For some reason, I thought of all you today. Well, i still think of you everyday, but not like before.
I remember the first time i met you. i still cant remember what my Life was like before that. Was i comfortable? Happy? Sad? Oblivious?
That first day/night was the best memory I have in Chicago. Ill never forget the boundaries I pushed. I can never forget sitting at that game, I knew you were a Big mistake, and a risky one, but I knew I didn't care. it was my time to let go. and yours as well.
All carefree until that fuckin Christmas party.
You know I only went to be with you, not "watch" you. I wanted to be near you. I figured I could experience "strippers" with you, out of my element. But you were "out of my element" since the first day I met you. We had done so much up to that point that normal people don't do.
I really know I shouldn't, but i can not stop apologizing in my head over and over each day, on how bad i hurt you that night. I never meant for it to get out of hand like it did. I can say now after all this time, i did nothing than be my insecure self. i never even thought of touching any other man other than you. When i said i loved you, I meant it. I did. I loved you......I was in love with you.
Remember sitting at Swig?
Remember the guy who brought you into realization that I was there. In that moment, for you. I proclaimed my emotions, my heart and my Soul that night. I knew that was our turning point and that there was no going back after that. Things would never be the same. The uncomfortable comfortable just became uncomfortable.
I remember you driving me to my grandmothers funeral and wake. No one ever cared that much for me. I owed you everything that day. When you met my father. I felt at peace. The most important people in my life meeting at one point in time....It was a sign I was on the right path. Everything happens for a reason was proved that day.
Sometimes i wonder if i truly miss you, or just the person you made me into.
I miss your laugh and your carefree nature. Undoubtedly, your laugh.
I miss that we didn't care what other people thought and we could be ourselves. No one judged us. No one cared. they just knew we were happy. They were jealous. How couldn't they be? We were Perfect. Perfectly unstable.
Considering all the circumstances.
You have left me trapped. I try to return to who I was before i met you. But I cant. I'm at a wall. I'm uncomfortable around you now. I feel like I don't know "this you". I remember "him" and how to act around "him". The old you. I'm not sure of who you are now. This is who you were before you met me. The person I don't know. I'm scared of this person. This isn't the man who told me he loved me, this is the man who never knew me. I cant really explain it, and I hate it. I hate it because its not you.
I am not desperate.
I am not Lonely.
Just Alone
