My Confession

Dear Confessor'

What was I thinking? I was not thinking that's what. I have discomposed myself in the past month or so. I have done unforgettable and unfortunate things to fill this empty Black Void i call a soul. I have taken advantage of those closest to me me to enjoy my time. I have engaged in strenuous acts that the Devil would smile upon me for. I have taken adultery to a whole new level only to selfishly fulfill my sexual needs. I blame it on my age. I am in my Prime. Not just Once. Thrice. I have taken on Lovers that do not deserve my Love. I have done things that I always told myself I would not. I consist of only talent and Lust. My head bent backwards. My arms tied behind my Back. My legs bound and Bent. I have never really been one for a Bed. I enjoy Publicity. Exhibitionist? Yes, there was a Time I enjoyed being watched. Sitting at the end of a Dark Bar as your Hands slightly found there way Under my Dress. It was the Risk.

I have always been the Shy Girl.
Never really knowing what to do or to Say. I have always been Dying to catch my Breath but I never Learn. I was Always the One who sat in the Corner and kept Quiet. My Silence was years of building up my Confidence. When it came for My Time. My Time to Explode: To Speak; I Spoke Loud. I forgot about the Feelings. I Forgot about consequences. I was "Happy".

Well at least this is what I thought Happiness was. Every time takes away a part of me that i should have shared with You. i imagine what it would be like with You. Soft. Subtle. Hard. Rough. Calm. Smiles. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
But in the End I know I would Disappoint You.

I know nothing of Love. I have never experienced this Feeling. "The Girl Will Only Break Your Heart." My Mother would Say to You. She is Right. I might do it without Really know what i have done. Do you hear that? That is the Sound of My Heart Breaking, It Broke Years Ago. Walking in on your one True Love with another woman Still to this Day; 2,192 days Later: I Still Feel It. Maybe it is the reason for my medical Heart issues. Who knows- i still smoke occasionally knowing that the Last Puff might be the end of me. Destroy Me. I feel like I have nothing to Loose. I have never gained anything worth holding on to. I have only Lost. I am Lost and have doubts of Never being Found. i have come to be aware that I might Die Alone. That Comforts me knowing the unexpected. understanding Comforts me. Comforts I Tell You. Comforts Me until I Imagine You. You; Maybe one Blue Eye; one Brown? You with your tamed Mane. His Words will Melt Me. His compassion for Life will astound Me. His excitement for New Found Territory will infect Me. He will hear my call a Mile away. He will whistle my Favorite song. He will ride a horse backwards. He Will flip pancakes in the air. he Will be marvelously Kind. And his favorite shape will be a Star. "Thought You never wanted to fall in Love?"That is the Point. The Man I Dream of does not exist. And if he Does Not exist, I will never Die of a Broken Heart.

I thought there would be more, but I am Simple. Therefore, he too shall be.

This is just a confession. A detailed representation of my aching Soul. I am not waiting for Perfection. It Does Not Exist. I am though waiting. Waiting for a perfect Time. A Perfect Moment. A perfect Night.



So to this I Praise....

One Body-one Mind-one Me-One You

My eyes are painted red

The canvas of my soul,

Slowly breaking down,again

Today I heard the news

The stories getting old

When will we see the end?

Of the days, we bleed for what we need

To forgive, forget, move on

Cause we've got

One life to live

One love to give

One chance to keep from falling

One heart to break

One soul to take us

Not for sake us,

Only one

The writting's on the wall

Those who came before

Left pictures frozen still, in time

You say you want it all

But whose side you fighting for?

I sit and wonder why

There are nights, we sleep, while others they weep

With regret, repent, be strong

Cause we've got

Just you and I

Under one sky

Something Really Good is About To Come. This is Butta Baby...

Sences[]Mine

{Watch}
Why do we just sit? We wait outside in this City heat. We watch people as if it is a second Job. We watch them come and go. We stare. We Laugh. We Smile. We Ponder. Where are you going? My Dog is better. Smiles. Not Really. I sit at night. Only night. I watch. I watch the restaurant across from my Living quarters. I watch my Cuban waiter. Oh, Summer Love. I can not wait to play in the rain. Watching water drops roll off your chin excites me. Lonely times. There are new people to watch. Watch me for I am watching You. Sip your water. I will enjoy my Vodka Water that I am about to spill all over the floor. Closing time at Cafe Bolero. Closing time. Until Tomorrow. Oh, but the excitement only begins with the living quarters above this restaurant of delicacy. Not only does excitement come by not having curtains on your large Windows. It brings me Intrigue. That is girl number four this week; is it not? Do not worry. I am watching. Put your eyes on me and I know a place where we can get away. Watch Me-



{Think}
Why do we Think? Is the mind not only just one sided? Are we not just going to repeat the same mistakes? The mind creates despair and anxiety. Anxiety that triggers us to follow through on things we will later soon to regret. Finding back your dignity can only be used as an excuse only once. I am glad you have a one tracked mind like Me. It gives my Life direction. I am laced with your unconscious. Let us move to Paris. Shoot some heroin. Fuck with the Stars? It is our decision to Live fast and Die young. Forget about our Mothers and out Friends. We are just fated to pretend. Pretend to Fade. Memories Fade. We will Fade. The thinking never ends. Open your Train of thought and forget about what you have been told. Forget what you have been taught. Get your head on straight. Think of Today as your Last He Says. In return, this thought of thinking will never lead you to be disappointed. I have made up my Mind. I do Not need to think it over. I am Right even when I am Wrong. Lord, I never say enough. My quality of thoughts has much more depth than its quantity. Never rest the Mind. When all else fails and your self Body lets go all you have left is your Mind.. Your train of Thought. Think my Friend. Think-


{Touch}
My Skin. Soft as Ever. Too Soft actually. Always being Touched. Always wanting Touch. It is Rough. It is Raw. Under my fingertips the smooth Keys. I am Touched. Touch Me. Touch-


{Feeling}
Feeling a Warm breeze turn to cold shivers me in unexpected places. My heart flutters. Is that a Feeling? The never ending excitement of this City we live in satisfies me. Is that a Feeling? Underestimating all the mind games you pass on to me. Feeling alone in a City of Heat. The sun generating its rays upon my pale skin. The sand rushing under my feet. The ache within my Chest from an irregular Heart Beat. The Feeling of Anxiety setting in. Oh, Fuck my Anxiety. It can never define my feelings. Can it? The Feeling of constant heartbreak from constant Disappointment. Is that a Feeling? This is all bringing me Down. Feeling stranded in this town. Water rushing down my back. Water rushing through my Hair. Washing away the bad deeds of the Day before. I feel alone for the First Time. My first moment Alone in the day. What to feel? You make me Feel like a sticky pistol leading into a stamen. You make me Feel like I wanna be a dumb Blonde. You make me Feel like the Amazon's runnin' between my thighs. Is that a Feeling? Control Yourself. Take only what you need from it. Feeling-


{Taste}
The Taste of sweat Beads from your Body glisten across my lips. Glass of Water? A Choke and a gag, she spit up and came back for More. We will just choke on vomit and that will be the End. Taste This-


{Listen}
Oh, Dear Sound. My Life would not be the same without you. You move me to be. I hear the Violins in my Head. Fuck the Voices. The Voices play my Life in forward but the Violins; the Violins play me Still. Your sweet Laughter. Oh, so young. Let us Hope one day we may Laugh together. I hear you. I hear you. I just forgot how to Listen. The music says press On. So I will press On. The Heart does not speak so please Stop telling Me to Listen to It. The cries. I hear her cry from our back Room. My Heart Bleeds Dry for her. Listen You. Listen Kiddo. Listen My Dear. Shape Up. Move Forward. No one keeps you Still. Life will Still Go on. With or without you. Fuck your Heart. It is Never listening to you? Play that music and Listen. Listen To Me-

Writer's Block Solved. Narrative:{ }

When you run out of paper use what is close. For me its trading cards.- Don't ====judge....


Cherry Slices-Coffee-Graham Crackers-Bagel-Cream Cheese-Red Wine

The December sixty puts are one half today-Auggie ten at even- Just becasue you have that growth inbetween your legs does not make you better than me- you are pathetic-Your neverending bank account versus my weekly struggle to survive- Hang On-Why am i so fuckin stubborn?- its how i got here; i know- Your four letter badge means nothing to me- I have four letters we could try out-Everytime-every fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes less without you-but you-you are constantly running through my mind-not you-you-I enjoy when you call me by my formal name-you leave me far from dry on most nights-days included-I stand in the center of a pit surrounded by "Cocks"-Money hungry Cocks surrounding this one pigeon-oh, the ache-concentrate-concentrate-concentrate-concentrate-concentrate-the phone rings-Pay half on seven June?-back to reality-If you put lipstick on a pig its still a pig with lipstick on-Might go home tonight and watch a Classic Deep Throat and think of you-Naughty-Naughty-Back to reality- July sixty-eight puts two quarter bid-Sighs- so we chat- dead time-The world is not always working- I turn to you as you tell me what you and your wife did this weekend-I bet I could have thought of something better to do-I am envious of your family life-i am no mother-i can not stand my own Mother (at Times)((ok; most of the Time))-Not sure if i could be a Mother- I am nothing like your Wife-Stop being jealous of my single life- Well maybe you should be- Last Saturday I got...-Fuck, I really need to get my nails Done this week-I hate this job but who am i to complain-i have a J>O>B-What i would not give to go back to slinggin' drinks for patrons- at least they never judged me for the Art on my body- FINE!- Sell you two hundred at six even- It is not like you will make any money today-was that 10K i just lost>? Nah, forgot to round the decimal- Back to reality-Bitch-God, what is so wrong in your life that makes you feel that way?-You make me Sad when i look at you- Have another drink downstairs- It is on me- May ten on eighteen cars-Market? Fuck, where is my Clerk? HANNIGAN---??? so Young-so Stupid-So Irish- Back to Reality- December 60 calls?- One fourty-one eighty- Yeah, thats how you make a Market newbie- August eighty ninty risk reversal trades six times at two half- Love my Black Market Reporters- Ah, she smells of a Sweet Stripper- Here Comes my headache- I wish i had something else to read right now-Why am I craving a cigarette-My patchulli is wearing off- i never can spell that Word right- Back to reality- One on four-One on eighteen- April one twelve calls- Fifty at three ninety-sixty-No Trade- I'm OUT- Bell Rings- I am on TV today- Not the TV you or I watch- The smart people TV- Fuck Rick Centelli-CNBC Power Lunch loves me- I sell fourty thousand pounds of lean Hog meat and people want to know why- I am a Vegiterian-SP? ; dont ask me- type A J>O>B..-Fuck You Personality- Great Combo!- What's for Lunch?-Back to Reality- I am about to faint from standing here in this pit- in between married men-Refreshing- I can not begin to tell you how much your rude touches offend me- i have not said Hello to you in three weeks but every time you Walk by you brush my Arm w with your Hand-New Text Message- YaY-Lunch-BV's for pizza?- after work please- Back to Reality- Bell Rings- Twenty four minutes until the final fuckin bell and I can leave-12:38pm-the Close is Coming- This stress is what i have been waiting for all day- All the money I Lost- I have now seventeen minutes to make it back- Definitely a possibility- i am REAL good- You will see- Watch My Magic- God, I love nothing more than men yelling at one another- better at it than me- i am an Angel- Fuck- tie me down next time, won't you?- Just lost my wings- Fuck- Twelve Minutes- Back to Reality- I do not care-I can not get you out of my fucking Head- Nine Minutes...i need to Pay my Rent--

I live a Life of Fantasy and Romance...but here; here You don't exist. Here is where the real World starts and the fantasy Ends- Back To Reality-only four Minutes left and i am still down four grand- Everyday is exactly the same-Until Today

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[9].[23-15-14-20].[20-5-12-12].[[8-5-18].[9-6].[25-15-21].[4-15-14-20]....

Bending spoons with my mind,
manifesting men of all kinds
in my spare time.
But oh, how I struggled in vain,
to solve this riddle with my brain
when the answer's in my hands.
So I wanna move you around.
Got to turn you inside out.
Yeah, I wanna move you,

Where do you,
where do you,
where do you,
where do you,
where do you get off
living like I'm giving it all up to come here?

I'm moving it safe,
moving it safe,
moving it slow,
teach me a lesson cause I want to know,
if the answer's in my hands.

Yeah yeah, you with your itinerary life,
you're nothing, nothing, never fine in the light.
alright
alright
The nights settling, settling in your bones,
you gotta celebrate your moments,
look into your soul,
you gotta give it a go.

I wanna move you,
I wanna move you around.
I I I I wanna move you
I wanna move you around.
I I I I wanna kick off your boots,
give up the fight,
summon the night,
sick and tired of super light.

it's all out, all out on me,
yeah, it's real,

A Little Girl"on her mothers lap on the "L"turns to me today and say "Mommy she is pretty; can I talk to her?- As I am noticing a group of young teen sparking up interest and chaos in the back of my cart. I remember when I was that age. I remember taking the Train home to Lakeview and seeing the professional woman on the train and thinking ï can't wait to be her"-I spotted David Schwimmer this morning on my way in to work. Have to get on the Western Stop more often. Maybe tomorrow I will take the Brown Line and see who I can meet. A homeless man sleeps in the early morning. He is looking for his salvation while the rest of us enter into a meaningless job that brings us no satisfaction. Bumping into my current lover and his girlfriend. Running through the rain at last only to sit in it in my seat: truly Rain? Being flashed on a Friday night on my way to a baseball game. Makes me giggle. Silly Man. Silly Man. Made my day with that..My tunes playing in my ear bringing me back to my youth. I catch a glimpse of the man I work with who is more Sad than you. His name is Edward. He sits in the dark and stares at a screen all day. Just like you. He is special might I say. Very special. Great Demeanor. Great Ass. I watch as you read your Political Books. I watch as you read the Red Eye. I hope you read my expert about you in there. Stop stalking. its not very caddy of you. P.S. Its OK..I see you every morning; same time; who are you? Does your life suck as much as the look on your face? I am tainted with being a thief of stealing her seat. Over the age of 50 deserves it; but man I am so hung over this morning. Next time; I promise. I smell Clover on you and it makes me want to smoke before I exit my train. Why do I not get off at Jackson and take you to LaSalle. I need the exercise; as do you my friend. We can walk together. Riding up the escalator i have a tendency to fall up the stairs. Laughs. its fine. i laughed too. i am a Chicago Bohemian on this train. Don't mind the cowboy boots. I stole them. i watch a Bum fight at the Monroe stop; days before stalling my train because a young man decided to take his Life there. Sad. So Sad. Wonder what he was thinking before The Jump.? I stand on the platform in a tunnel alone. i wait for the lights to approach far away. I look for the Red light to turn colors. Have you ever stood as close as you could to the platform and closed your eyes right as the train passes? Amazing. Feels Amazing. Sends shivers down my back. Are you starring at my tattoos or my ass? Probably both. Do you like my hair? Because I definitely like yours. Body language is more important to me on this train than verbal. Don't speak. Just Smile. Mase? Who has that? I do. Do i know how to use or work it? No. it never came with instructions. Passing from underground to above ground is the best Ever. its like magic. Try doing it backwards. Even better. The conductor always seems to slam on the breaks as I try to move. I'd rather stand don't get me wrong. i like to grasp the Silver pole. Chills my skin. The married couple is cute. Makes me grin. I wonder if they had sex last night or if they will later on this evening.? The Asian with the Caucasian. The Black woman with the white male. The "LP Trixi es"with their "Poser" men on from Damen? Love you all kiddos. You make my mornings and my Afternoons. The pregnant woman who stands there on a crowded cart and no one offers her their seat. is it because the color of her skin, or the wedding band missing from her left hand.? I smell Patchouli....Yeah, i like it. Not a hippy. just smells refreshing. Can you wear that tomorrow? thanks. Does your wife know that you are standing this close to me? Grins. We both know she does, but we both also know you are enjoying this more than your morning coffee with her. Your luggage is taking up my seat. i hope your bag has a good comeback for my attempt to shove it up your ass. Listen once i leave. i am Gone. I am never coming back. The odds of you and i meeting again in the same place. Never going to Be. Good Morn; Good Day; Good Eve

One Problem that stands in the heart of every attempt to solve life's riddle is the mystery of pain. Every so often we hear of an apparently innocent person experiencing some great misfortune, and there comes to our lips the question- Why? Every story of seemingly undeserved heartache cries out for an explanation:

I have hoped, I have planned, I have striven

To the Will I have added the deed;

The Best that was in me I have given,

I have prayed, but the Gods would not heed.

I have dared and reached only disaster.

I have battled and broken my lance,

I am bruised by a pitiless master

That the weak and the timid call chance.

I am old, I am bent, I am cheated

Of all that Youth urged me to Win;

But name me not with the defeated

Tomorrow again, I begin

Who never wept knows laughter but a jest;

Who never failed, no victory has sought;

Who never suffered, never lived his best;

Who never doubted, never really thought;

Who never feared, real courage has not shown;

Who never faltered, lacks a real intent;

Whose soul was never troubled has not Know

The Sweetness and the peace of real content.

Love is a path to virtue for the brave
Led by the beautiful; a great desire
In souls that are not perfect, but aspire
After perfection; a high hope to save
The noble heart from world-stains that deprave
Its purity, to lift it from the mire
And cleanse it through with agony and fire
Fit for a new life entered through the grave.
For even where no hero sheds his blood
The young tree suffers to produce the bud,
The parent through the offspring withereth:
And where no sweet soul bleeds to death in song
The body's pangs the bodily life prolong,
And birth is to the mother a sweet death

Nothing is Ever Clear. Nothing is said or wrote in any type of timeline. Nothing spoke is ever what it means.

do we speak in tones just to hear ourselves speaking? do you not read what you write or listen to what you say? Lies all lies. Neverending Lies. Do you know how to follow through? at all? It's looking like a limb torn off. Or altogether just taken apart. We're reeling through an endless fall. We are the ever-living ghost of what once was. And anything to make you smile. It is my better side of you to admire
But they should never take so long. Just to be over then back to another one.
But someone, they could have warned you. When things start splitting at the seams and now the whole thing's tumbling down. If things start splitting at the seams and now, "It's tumbling down. Hard. I'm dying to catch my breath. Oh why don't i ever learn. I've lost all my trust though i've surely tried to Turn it around. Don't tear me down. You've opened the door now don't let it close. I'm here on the edge again. I wish I could let it go. I know that I'm only one step away from turning around. So Damn close. So damn:fucking close.

I´ll break you down. I´ll take you down down. Fill you with sadness. Make your life madness. Give me a mile. I'll take a hundred miles. Such a mistake. Sorry you mistake. I know you´re here. I know you´re gone. I never asked you to stay. I'm having a hard Time. I'm making you do the hard time Too. I'm stuck in a bad way and I think i just might make you pay for it. I'll begin to let you go. When the sunlight melts the snow. Every night I drive away from you. I see the mountains I have yet to move. And you there You don't care. I wonder if you Wanted me like i wanted you...So pretty, so smart. Such a waste of a young heart! What a pity, what a shame: What's the matter with you, man?
It's a lonely truth that I can't change you: and you sure can't change me. It's hard as hell tonight to sleep. To close my eyes would be admitting my defeat. "No One would pay for a Ticket to see that........"

Bravo
Bravo
Please place The BlindFold on only in an aggressive manner. Don't waste my time? I like it in the dark. Don't you....................Welcome

back and forth
back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back
and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth.........its never ending
At a moments glance I ma here; and yet at another I am there. i can shine
bright one moment and enjoy my surroundings:(then at another I want nothing More
then to seclude to my darkness and become another.]

Do you understand
how hard it is to be two people at once? can you comprehend?

back and
forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth
back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back and forth back
and forth. Back again...

you take my breath away. this feeling of utter
completeness like i have tonight..i miss this. i miss this side. once the storm
comes back home things will change again, i have to be someone else. i have to
be the person you want me to me and not the person i want. are wants just that?;
wants? please do tell.

i;m too of age for this. don't you agree? why
live in a City built on fear and sorrow? this is not who i am. im done. accept
it or not; decide now because tomorrow i decide for you.

who are you?
why are you here? Can you please take me away? take me to the other end of this
misery. this {Body} has had enough. yet still not enough...Meow
i'd trade my
independence for my youth once more. i'd trade one Hundred years to go back and
change my ways.:or would I? You are right; probably not. You are always right
aren't you. Silly; you are. i lie. Don;t leave me. Set me Free

i hope you enjoy your day tomorrow. you do not Deserve it. i dont know
if things will ever change. please stop. please leave me. Let me be.

{my Soul cries" on Repeat...why tonight?

tonight is the night to shine
tonight is the night to enjoy one of Life's little pleasures
i shall
wear the colors black and white yet deep down i am dying to wear the blue red
and white. i will sit in general form. act like a lady. cross my legs and try to
fit in. cover the scars on my body and blend in. enjoy the taste of my beer.
enjoy the taste of the warm meat. please hold the mustard, eh. i will admire
those who are more compensated for me for less entertaining work. i will smile
at the empty seat next to me that you once shared. i will enjoy other company
for once. it sends chills down my spine to intake the smells around me of grass
and refreshing air. the man selling my intoxication for the night has a voice
that makes me giggle. i wonder what other things this man has in his pockets
that could make me smile wider. the woman behind me yelling obscenities makes me
curious. i like her. i can feel the man to my left with his fiery eyes starring
down my shirt. quite nice aren't they sir?. i look be ind me and see hundreds. i
look in front of me and there is no one but grass and i think to myself; how did
i get so lucky? things in life like this should be free. memories that come from
nights like tonight should be written down in books and sold for free. oh the
lights. how beautiful at night they are. up, up, up, GONE....bravo. did you see
that? Yes, yes i did.
is it strange that i sit here and ponder what tomorrow
brings? ah, Sunday; we know what happens then but tomorrow. i look around and
wonder what they will all be doing tomorrow. talking up of this wonderful
entertainment we are experiencing? updating their pictures of the splendor that
came from this dark eve? I'll conform. I'll do it. i've been waiting to jump on.
or at least: Jump.

one Moment: one more sir. one for my friend too. she
needs it more then i so, please be kind. don't shake. Lets share a laugh and a
smile. next week will not be so much fun for her. her demons AR coming for her
and there is nothing i can do to save her. i take her to you, so let us enjoy
this. shall we?

oh that is the plan.

Good
Eve

tonight i feel so weak
but all in love is fair
i turn the other cheek
i feel the Slap and the Sting of the foul night air

i know you are only human
i haven't got talking room
tonight while i am making excuses
someother woman is making love to you

i'm burning alive

this is out of control
she has my heart and my body and my mind but....
tonight the Sweet Devil...the Sweet Devils' got my Soul

will this aching pass?
will this night be through?
i want to hear the breaking glass
i want to feel the steal of the Red Hot truth
i's do anything to get it out of my mind
i need some insanity or that temporary kind
tell me how to lie
will it ever be the same?
when i know she is whispering your name?
devil wants my Soul

oh how i become inspired to write every time i look at you.
oh how i imagine what your body would look like next to mine

i imagine how you would correct my punctuation
i imagine how you would taste in my mouth
i imagine how your skin would feel on mine
i imagine the words that would escape your mouth and inspire my ears
i imagine what makes you laugh
i imagine walking next to you and feeling the same breeze
i imagine what your voice sounds like after a few Bourbons
i imagine if you would find me weird that i like to hide away in my room
i imagine if you will judge me on what i look like
i imagine what your first words will be to me
i imagine if you snore at night
i imagine if you like to laugh and what your laugh may sound like
i imagine if you like to sleep with the light on or off
i imagine if you eat with your mouth open or closed
i imagine if you would appreciate my body as i do
i imagine if you will hate my parents at times as much as i do
i imagine what your first "lie" to me will be
i imagine if you will recognize me 10 years from now
i imagine if you will wipe my tears
i imagine if you will hold my hair back
i imagine if you will "pull" my hair
i imagine if you will inspire me to be who i have always wanted to be
i imagine if i will inspire you to be who you have always wanted to be
i imagine if you will take me to places i have never seen
i imagine if you will take my body to places it has never seen
i imagine if you will get me to take a smoke again
i imagine if you will understand the fact i enjoy a good beer once in awhile
i imagine if you will understand my life
i imagine if you will make me loose my voice in Ecstasy
i imagine if you will find places on me that i have yet to find
i imagine if you will run your hands through my hair and tell me "yeah, you are OK"
i imagine if you will take me to where you feel safe
i imagine if you tell me my writing is AWFUL
i imagine if you will tell me i am beautiful
i imagine if you would like to dance to me
i imagine if you will be playful with me
i imagine if you will be rude to me
i imagine if you will tell me i am a Bitch
i imagine if you will call me just so i can hear you breathe
i imagine you taking a bath with me
i imagine you walking with me
i imagine you telling me to "jump on"
i imagine you telling me you hate me
i imagine you being you and nothing else
i imagine the beauty that surrounds you and why i can not be there. it makes me sad
i imagine if you can keep your word or not young soul
i imagine if you feel as old as i do in this body
i imagine if you will respect my body as i will respect yours
i imagine if you will ever be tempted to tempt me
i imagine if you will make me laugh once more

I imagine you. at any given time.

There are theives, who rob us blind,
and kings, who kill us fine,
but steady, the rights and the wrongs
invade us, as innocent song.
I'm not ready, I'm not ready
For the weight of us, for the weight of all of us.

There's a cold heart, burried beneath,
and warm blood, running deep.
Secrets - are mine to keep
protected by silent sleep
I'm not ready,

The time has come, let us be brave....
Shake off all of your sins, the time has come....

Tout le monde est une drôle de personne,
Et tout le monde a l'âme emmêlée,
Tout le monde a de l'enfance qui ronronne,
Au fond d'une poche oubliée,
Tout le monde a des restes de rêves,
Et des coins de vie dévastés

Il faudrait que tout l'monde réclame auprès des autorités,
Une loi contre toute notre solitude,
Que personne ne soit oublié,
Et que personne ne soit oublié

Il faudrait que tout l'monde réclame auprès des autorités,
Une loi contre toute notre indifférence,
Que personne ne soit oublié,
Et que personne ne soit oublié.

Tout le monde est une drôle de personne,
Et tout le monde a une âme emmêlée,
Tout le monde a de l'enfance qui résonne,
Au fond d'une heure oubliée,

Translation:

everyone is a strange sort of person
and everyone's got a mixed up soul
everyone has a childhood that hums
deep inside a forgotten pocket
everyone has dream remnants
and devasted corners of lives
one day everyone looked for something
but everyone found nothing


everyone should demand from the authorities
a law that casts out our solitude
so that no one is forgotten
and that no one is forgotten

everyone has one life that is passing
but no one remembers
i see those who fold, and even break it
and those who don't even see it

everyone is a strange sort of person
and everyone's got a mixed up soul
everyone has a childhood that echoes
deep inside a forgotten hour

Please play Me

-Walking down Western i feel you behind me on my back; i fall in love with you all over again

-When I lay in my bed and listen to the music that you have left for me; i fall in love with you all over again

-When you show me the amazing wonders you have tucked away inside, i fall in love with you all over again

-Your past; i fall in love with you all over again

-Your History; i fall in love with you all over again

-Your different languages that you speak to me in on a daily basis; i fall in Love with you all over again

-The grass you let me roll around in and be playful once more; i fall in love with you all over again

-The sweet taste of your inner indulgence; i fall in love with you all over again

-The daily ride on the El where i can whisper delicate sweet nothings to you; i fall in love with you all over again

-The pictures you let me take of you to capture your underlying beauty; i fall in love with you all over again

-The place you give me to lay my head at night and dream of never ending stories that we will share; i fall in love with you all over again

-The smells of teak and musk and amber on you; i fall in love with you all over again

-The intimacy you show me as you run through my hair in the dark; i fall in love with you all over again

-The hidden book stores you take me to on my daily explorations; i fall in love with you all over again

-The forbidden sounds you let me scream out when i am alone and at my best; i fall in love with you all over again

-The piano you brought to me when i was only able to crawl; i fall in love with you all over again.

-When you speak; i fall in love with you all over again

-When I roll my bare feet over you; i fall in Love with you all over again

-When you write or read to me your utmost desires; i fall in Love with you all over again

-When you give me the option to judge you for myself and say not a word; i fall in love with you all over again

-When you cause me to stay up late hoping i wont miss a thing you might do; i fall in love with you all over again

-When you introduce me to strangers; i fall in love with you all over again.

Oh, my dear Chicago; everyday I fall in love with you You are my Home; my Haven; My World...

Will you bring me something new?

Magic

i sit here in the dark and listen to the sirens outside my window and i pray that i am still here to pray. I enjoy the dark. i enjoy my away time, my time away from all the chaos outside my door. i can be myself in here and not the person you expect me to be. obstacles are coming to a point where i can not figure out how deep i have dug. i can not find you so therefore; i can not find myself. you are a ghost. a ghost i say. an invisible force that i will never have the honor of starring into eyes. Eyes-of madness. Eyes of fear. You are scarred correct? that is what hold s you back; or maybe it is your "preference" based on your Circe of "friends"? ? ? or maybe just your preference of the female body? or maybe your preference?
When I think of you i imagine you to be narcissistic; flattered by your own form. i imagine you look in the mirror and say "wow" i am desirable. Women:Men want me and they have yet no idea who i really am inside. I know who you are enigma. Your internal bleeding is that of your soul which has been broken. you have been broken, as myself, so many times that it becomes a part of you. no worries..it is what you were met to do. its how you are meant to feel.
i shut the door and imagine smells of soap as your distinct aroma. you know that smell that when you say it sounds strange but when you smell it; it evolves into a smile across the face. ? ? ?

Oh the anger. is this anger? i hope you re seeing this straight because i am not.
time to play..lets try to keep it less dark and more "fake"..

behind Closed doors

its a repeated pattern. A or B A or B A or B A or BA or B A or B A or B A or B. I choose the latter; C./ How was i to know she was sitting at home sick on the couch eating bon bons watching a classic black and white while i sat across from him at a dinner? is it my fault my company is enjoyed as much as it is? im not shallow but i am not a wet blanket either. i am just one person; maybe its my teeth; they are pretty nice. or its the CANVAS attached to my thighs? who knows.. Oh dont get me wrong i knew she was sitting at home; pondering...i still cant get the grin off my face even as i write this. it wasnt the first time and my dear it will not be the last. does that make me a devious person? Yes, yes it does and i like it. i deserve what i want and when i want it. dont we all? some of us are just better at surpressing the things we really want in fear of how we will be judged. this life only happened once. dont even have to ask anymore; i already know from the moment i meet you.

but its all good fun right? nothing personal. no committments. no predestined outcomes. no judgements. no fighting. no favors. no sharing. no picking eachothers brain. no meeting the parents. no kids. no wondering what ifs. no doubting. no guilt. no nonsence.

break me down all you like. i was broken way before you arrived and will remain long after you have left. who are you you narcasistic fool? WHO ARE YOU>?

i have two sides also mystery man....

When I woke up I was 17 -You kissed my lips in a bad bad dream-Showed me things aren't what they appear to be -Called me angel and set me free
-You gave me life in the cold cold dark-But you ran away in the mornings spark-Made me think that reality Is not where I want to be-I am what I am and-I am what I am-afraid of-Oh what am I afraid of?-I need a fearless love-Don't need to fear the end-If you can't hold me now-You will never hold me again-I want to live my life-Pursuing all my happiness-I want a fearless love-I won't settle for anything less
I've walked my path had worlds collide-I lost my way and I fooled my pride-This lover's ache wouldn't feel so strange-If I could only change-Now I'm not here to lay the blame-I understand when you hold a flame-Heads will shake heads will turn
And sometimes you just get burned-------