I'm walking into the Wolves Den.....
"It would be nice to think that since I was 14, times have changed. Relationships have become more sophisticated. Females less cruel. Skins thicker. Instincts more developed. But there seems to be an element of that afternoon in everything that's happened to me since. All my romantic stories are a scrambled version of that first one. "
1) His name was "Bob'. I lured after him from miles away. Three years; three fuckin years it took me. I was so nervous. I was young, Sex was good then. Smiles were easier to come by. fun was all we cared about. dreams were reality.We have one of those conversations where everything clicks, meshes, corresponds, locks, where even our pauses, even our punctuation marks, seem to be nodding in agreement. Addictions, unfaithful mentality. he didn't mind my long hair was fake. even when it got lost in his bed. i was supple then. amazing tits. amazing ass; you get the picture. we were young. Our endless evenings went with that post of breathtaking joke precision, where you kind of see what's supposed to happen but you can't believe it's even going to get there, even though afterwards it seems obvious. i thought he was the one. he was the hardest break-up. well, we actually were never "together", but my heart was always there even if his wasn't. i made the worst mistake ever. EVER. no need to explain. just imagine the worst possible scenario in your life and times it by 10. Can i blame it on my youth? im so sorry you ever had to doubt me. i missed him for years. there wasn't a day that went by that i never thought of him. then i forgot you. i left a piece of me in that letter i left you. it seems this one comes back in and out every few years. then, again, out. Remember last time, ah, just laying there i thought. "I could've wound up having sex back there. And what better way to exorcise rejection demons than to screw the person who rejected you, right? But you wouldn't be sleeping with a person, you'd be sleeping with the whole sad, single-person culture. It'd be like sleeping with Talia Shire in Rocky if you weren't Rocky." and now again? why? is this time? eh, im not going there. i can't take the chance of him leaving again. it breaks my heart every time, till there will be no heart left to break.
-I learned to deal with Pain. I learned that it is O.K. to let go. I learned that no matter what, Real men exist. You taught me that no matter what, Life is worth Living."
2)"I can see now I never really committed. I always had one foot out the door, and that prevented me from doing a lot of things, like thinking about my future and... I guess it made more sense to commit to nothing, keep my options open. And that's suicide. By tiny, tiny increments."
"James". What a character you are. You came into my Life too late. But you, you have made it to number two on my worst break-ups. Wow, you are one fuckin man aren't you?. What a character you have turned out to be. You made me believe in Risk again. You made me find me. Too bad, it took 30 years. You broke my heart since day one, but i liked it. You showed me that there are people out there worse off than i am. ive always wanted to tell you: look in the mirror and repeat this to yourself "Ï have a girlfriend that i cheat on. i am not only hurting her i am hurting myself". Rinse and Repeat at least 5 times a day. Then cry and wake up. This is reality son. Grown up ol'man. If not for her, do it for me. You are the cocaine. A constant Buzz. I can not even remember who i was before i met you. Is that a good or a bad thing? We could have been so Happy? Well, at least one of us. You are the most genuine person i have ever met. uncomfortably comfortable around you. You taught me to be Honest again. I will forever be in love with you because i am a woman with insecurities. i have my lows too.Then I lost it. Kinda lost it all, you know. Faith, dignity, about fifteen pounds.
Next life time though, when we meet, don't wait so long to start your Life over again....................
-I learned that Men can be True. I learned that no matter what it can and never will take only one woman to change the mind of a Man. i learned that if i can fall in love with a Man like you, i can give myself again. Learn to lower my walls. i can obtain the future i have always wanted. i learned to not be scared to "feel" again. i learned to write again, without capitalizing my "i's"....
3) "Should I bolt every time I get that feeling in my gut when I meet someone new? Well, I’ve been listening to my gut since I was 14 years old, and frankly speaking, I’ve come to the conclusion that my guts have shit for brains." You had the best Heart over anyone. Your name deserves to be spoken. Jeff. I left you. Ah, poor, poor Jeff. You had the best of both worlds. Someone taking care of you as you played your music because it was what you loved to do. sentimental music has this great way of taking you back somewhere at the same time that it takes you forward, so you feel nostalgic & hopeful all at the same time. you ran my bank account dry, when it was so dry to begin with. Your partake on life was invigorating. You lived through the moment and my moment. It made sense to pool our collective loathing for the opposite sex, and while we were doing that, share a bed with someone at the same time. Only people of a certain disposition are sure they're going to be alone for the rest of their lives at age 26, and we were of that disposition. You were my Rebound. Yet, the best rebound thus far. You had this smile that disgusted you and hid your insecurities on your self image, self body, self worth. i loved you for it. You were possibly the most "normal"man ever. Even though those outside the box looked at us as complete opposites, we knew better. oh the fights, make up sex at its best!...you made me angry and i so fuckin hope i did the same. it brought out the best in us and took us both out of this make believe world we lived in. Late night fried food and old black and 'white movies. Early morning trips to Target to buy things we knew we didn't need. Constant trips to local pet stores to stare and wonder what our home would feel like with a three-legged cat. God, i miss those days. But things are better now. Happy you are without me, because i left. Ah, bad circumstances i know, but you deserved it. you deserved to be You, away from me.
-I didnt really learn much from you except that its normal to live in a routine, especially if you are in love ....'
4) "Sometimes I got so bored of trying to touch her breast that I would try to touch her between her legs. It was like trying to borrow a dollar, getting turned down, and asking for 50 grand instead." You took the prude and turned her into a woman. Lets call you "Bill". Happily married now with another kid on the way. You were the prettiest. Well, below the belt at least. Little Irish never hurt, not at all. Well, the wood bar stool up against my back. Ha! i would only ever say things like that if it wasn't for you. You showed me what sexuality was. You showed me what men's desire looks like. You brought me into a world that I never knew existed: the male mind. Our timing was so brief, but it felt like an eternity. Three months right? You should be higher up on this list of hardest break-ups but , breaking up with you wasn't hard. i never loved you, i suppose, i was too young. Jesus. I'm glad I know nothing about psychotherapy, about Jung and Freud and that lot. If I did, I'd probably be extremely frightened by now: the man who wants to have sex in the place where she used to go for walks with his dead dad is probably very dangerous indeed.
5) Chuck. Charles. Chaz. Fucking Chuck.
Top five things I miss about Laura:
One – Sense of humor. Very dry, but it can also be warm and forgiving. And she’s got one of the best all-time laughs in the history of all-time laughs. She laughs with her entire body.
Two – She’s got character…or at least she had character before the Ian nightmare. She’s loyal and honest and she doesn’t even take it out on people when she’s having a bad day. That’s character.
Three – I miss…her smell…and the way she tastes. Its a mystery of human chemistry and I don’t understand it. Some people, as far as your senses are concerned, just…feel…like home.
I really dig how she walks around. Its like she doesn’t care how she looks or what she projects. And its not that she doesn’t care, its just…she’s not affected I guess. And that gives her grace.
and Five – She does this thing in bed when she can’t get to sleep. She kind of half-moans and then rubs her feet together an equal number of times. It just kills me
You are number five. its so easy when i was making this list to put you there. you were the easiest break-up in history because i loved you the most and never really loved you at all.
nine years of love or nine years of suffering. Ah, you are the reason for the list. The Valentines coming up reminded me of this. The night you took my virginity in a water-bed. Ha! i just almost died laughing. To look back on it all now and wonder, "What the Fuck were we thinking?" maybe it was the rain, or the minute details i remember about that night. or the fact it was fuckin Valentine's day. Eh, years past. Memories erased. I'm very glad that you have just welcomed a new baby into your life with the woman who i watched you soil my couch with. Ah, lets be honest here. That's the whole point of this correct? i cheated. i cheated a lot on you. From day one. i cheated on you when i caught you on my couch with your new wife. i cheated because i could. i cheated not because you were mean to me but because that was who i was. i couldn't commit. i was forced to commit. Fuck, it feels so good to get that out and to stop lying to myself after all these years. Searching for pity as the divorcee who's husband cheated on her. our only difference was you were the one who got caught. i never really wanted to get caught, i just wanted to find a way to leave you and emotionally detaching myself by sleeping with another man did it for me. our relationship since day one was doomed. The constant break ups since we were kids; getting back together because we thought it was "meant"to be, instead of realizing we were both just insecure and "using"each other as a security-blanket. What came first, the music or the misery? People worry about kids playing with guns or watching violent videos afraid that some sort of culture of violence will take them over. Nobody worries about kids listening to thousands, literally thousands, of songs about heartbreak, rejection, pain, misery, and loss. Did I listen to pop music because I was miserable? Or was I miserable because I listened to pop music?
Sorry if you didn't make it on the Top 5:
Those places are reserved for the kind of humiliation and heartbreak you're just not capable of delivering.
