Follow Through...

The Sun is about to Set on this Night
My Smoke is on its Last Puff....
I drempt of You Last Night
I Sent you some Words. You declined.
I wanted to send you much more but you are mysterious. Yet undefined.
let's pretend that we have colds and lie in bed and wear our robes
around the house and reading basement books of old and dusty words of
stories told about somewhere else no one else. I can see the seams that saw
the air into our dreams when we are young because we are oh i can't take
your breath away but ill show you a brand new way with brand new love oh i can't
mend your wounded heart but i'll give you a brand new start let's pretend we never lie and tell our truths and then let's cry real tears this time we'll stain our lips with the colour of wine and then we kiss and everything is fine again it's cold outside but we are warm inside each other we are born oh jesus christ we are

I am Sad. I am in a Position that I can not maneuver myself out of. My Mind is Bent and Broken. I beg you for mercy. You don't know how strong my weakness is. So I let you in knowing tomorrow you will do it all Over Again. I am throwing you Pitches and you Catch. Why can't you throw back to me? Step out of the Way if you are just tempting my skills. I sit here in the Rain and I think of you. I think of the possibilities. I know we have had our moments but the Trust is missing. The Touch is Missing. How i Long to feel your Touch. I know you think of touching me... Its way past the point of No Return, isn't it?. The Thunder always comes before the lightening. Doesn't it? Have you ever hated yourself for staring at the phone. I feel like I have waited my Whole Life for the ring to prove I am not Alone. I am wanting to invite this Stranger to come Inside. The Breath before the Kiss. I Wonder. Our Lips would never Part. Our Body's would never Part. It Makes me Wonder even More. Hold your Breath because it Will Never get Better then that one Night.

When the one you Love's in love with someone else it worse then any torture. No matter how I try to convince myself this time I won't lose control. But who am i Joking. One look in your eyes and i know suddenly my heart can't tell you no again. I don't want you to call me up anymore saying you need me. You're crazy if you think just half your love could ever please me. Still I want to hold you, touch you. There's only one solution. A solution i have yet to Find. You can not break me. This heart will not be Broken. Ever. As of Now, You have nothing to offer me except for unpleasant occurrences when I am alone that leave me feeling guilty afterwards. When I am alone in thought with my actions.

All i will do is watch you leave. I am not ready to share my Tears. My Heart was Born Broken; along with My Crippled Heart. My Life revolves Against All Odds. Lets Make it even...... There is so much we could say to each other. Words are Lost Moments in Time. Reflection in Person is where we are; yet not. We are never going to Be. To wait for you is all I can do. I am so Fucking tired of Waiting. I will still be standing here when you decide to put your book down, put your Life on Hold. Life is about Chances. Life is all about Waiting. How Long can You wait?

My Explanation:

Together we are apart. This City brought us Together. Its nothing beyond that. We both walk alone on these streets Wondering. We live in this city not built on Sorrow and Fear but built on Chance and Intuition. We are only Human. We are beyond others. We find reflection in the Internal and not so much yet the External. We are hopelessly tuned into the being. Being who we are without any hidden agendas. We are just Us. The City we live in makes us who we are. Who we will forever Be. That will never Change. The External World will not Change us for we are already who we are meant to be.

This Will Continue..... in Due time. All we have is Time.

I just got excited.....disappointed? I can take it back

My Confession

Dear Confessor'

What was I thinking? I was not thinking that's what. I have discomposed myself in the past month or so. I have done unforgettable and unfortunate things to fill this empty Black Void i call a soul. I have taken advantage of those closest to me me to enjoy my time. I have engaged in strenuous acts that the Devil would smile upon me for. I have taken adultery to a whole new level only to selfishly fulfill my sexual needs. I blame it on my age. I am in my Prime. Not just Once. Thrice. I have taken on Lovers that do not deserve my Love. I have done things that I always told myself I would not. I consist of only talent and Lust. My head bent backwards. My arms tied behind my Back. My legs bound and Bent. I have never really been one for a Bed. I enjoy Publicity. Exhibitionist? Yes, there was a Time I enjoyed being watched. Sitting at the end of a Dark Bar as your Hands slightly found there way Under my Dress. It was the Risk.

I have always been the Shy Girl.
Never really knowing what to do or to Say. I have always been Dying to catch my Breath but I never Learn. I was Always the One who sat in the Corner and kept Quiet. My Silence was years of building up my Confidence. When it came for My Time. My Time to Explode: To Speak; I Spoke Loud. I forgot about the Feelings. I Forgot about consequences. I was "Happy".

Well at least this is what I thought Happiness was. Every time takes away a part of me that i should have shared with You. i imagine what it would be like with You. Soft. Subtle. Hard. Rough. Calm. Smiles. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
But in the End I know I would Disappoint You.

I know nothing of Love. I have never experienced this Feeling. "The Girl Will Only Break Your Heart." My Mother would Say to You. She is Right. I might do it without Really know what i have done. Do you hear that? That is the Sound of My Heart Breaking, It Broke Years Ago. Walking in on your one True Love with another woman Still to this Day; 2,192 days Later: I Still Feel It. Maybe it is the reason for my medical Heart issues. Who knows- i still smoke occasionally knowing that the Last Puff might be the end of me. Destroy Me. I feel like I have nothing to Loose. I have never gained anything worth holding on to. I have only Lost. I am Lost and have doubts of Never being Found. i have come to be aware that I might Die Alone. That Comforts me knowing the unexpected. understanding Comforts me. Comforts I Tell You. Comforts Me until I Imagine You. You; Maybe one Blue Eye; one Brown? You with your tamed Mane. His Words will Melt Me. His compassion for Life will astound Me. His excitement for New Found Territory will infect Me. He will hear my call a Mile away. He will whistle my Favorite song. He will ride a horse backwards. He Will flip pancakes in the air. he Will be marvelously Kind. And his favorite shape will be a Star. "Thought You never wanted to fall in Love?"That is the Point. The Man I Dream of does not exist. And if he Does Not exist, I will never Die of a Broken Heart.

I thought there would be more, but I am Simple. Therefore, he too shall be.

This is just a confession. A detailed representation of my aching Soul. I am not waiting for Perfection. It Does Not Exist. I am though waiting. Waiting for a perfect Time. A Perfect Moment. A perfect Night.



So to this I Praise....

One Body-one Mind-one Me-One You

My eyes are painted red

The canvas of my soul,

Slowly breaking down,again

Today I heard the news

The stories getting old

When will we see the end?

Of the days, we bleed for what we need

To forgive, forget, move on

Cause we've got

One life to live

One love to give

One chance to keep from falling

One heart to break

One soul to take us

Not for sake us,

Only one

The writting's on the wall

Those who came before

Left pictures frozen still, in time

You say you want it all

But whose side you fighting for?

I sit and wonder why

There are nights, we sleep, while others they weep

With regret, repent, be strong

Cause we've got

Just you and I

Under one sky

Something Really Good is About To Come. This is Butta Baby...

Sences[]Mine

{Watch}
Why do we just sit? We wait outside in this City heat. We watch people as if it is a second Job. We watch them come and go. We stare. We Laugh. We Smile. We Ponder. Where are you going? My Dog is better. Smiles. Not Really. I sit at night. Only night. I watch. I watch the restaurant across from my Living quarters. I watch my Cuban waiter. Oh, Summer Love. I can not wait to play in the rain. Watching water drops roll off your chin excites me. Lonely times. There are new people to watch. Watch me for I am watching You. Sip your water. I will enjoy my Vodka Water that I am about to spill all over the floor. Closing time at Cafe Bolero. Closing time. Until Tomorrow. Oh, but the excitement only begins with the living quarters above this restaurant of delicacy. Not only does excitement come by not having curtains on your large Windows. It brings me Intrigue. That is girl number four this week; is it not? Do not worry. I am watching. Put your eyes on me and I know a place where we can get away. Watch Me-



{Think}
Why do we Think? Is the mind not only just one sided? Are we not just going to repeat the same mistakes? The mind creates despair and anxiety. Anxiety that triggers us to follow through on things we will later soon to regret. Finding back your dignity can only be used as an excuse only once. I am glad you have a one tracked mind like Me. It gives my Life direction. I am laced with your unconscious. Let us move to Paris. Shoot some heroin. Fuck with the Stars? It is our decision to Live fast and Die young. Forget about our Mothers and out Friends. We are just fated to pretend. Pretend to Fade. Memories Fade. We will Fade. The thinking never ends. Open your Train of thought and forget about what you have been told. Forget what you have been taught. Get your head on straight. Think of Today as your Last He Says. In return, this thought of thinking will never lead you to be disappointed. I have made up my Mind. I do Not need to think it over. I am Right even when I am Wrong. Lord, I never say enough. My quality of thoughts has much more depth than its quantity. Never rest the Mind. When all else fails and your self Body lets go all you have left is your Mind.. Your train of Thought. Think my Friend. Think-


{Touch}
My Skin. Soft as Ever. Too Soft actually. Always being Touched. Always wanting Touch. It is Rough. It is Raw. Under my fingertips the smooth Keys. I am Touched. Touch Me. Touch-


{Feeling}
Feeling a Warm breeze turn to cold shivers me in unexpected places. My heart flutters. Is that a Feeling? The never ending excitement of this City we live in satisfies me. Is that a Feeling? Underestimating all the mind games you pass on to me. Feeling alone in a City of Heat. The sun generating its rays upon my pale skin. The sand rushing under my feet. The ache within my Chest from an irregular Heart Beat. The Feeling of Anxiety setting in. Oh, Fuck my Anxiety. It can never define my feelings. Can it? The Feeling of constant heartbreak from constant Disappointment. Is that a Feeling? This is all bringing me Down. Feeling stranded in this town. Water rushing down my back. Water rushing through my Hair. Washing away the bad deeds of the Day before. I feel alone for the First Time. My first moment Alone in the day. What to feel? You make me Feel like a sticky pistol leading into a stamen. You make me Feel like I wanna be a dumb Blonde. You make me Feel like the Amazon's runnin' between my thighs. Is that a Feeling? Control Yourself. Take only what you need from it. Feeling-


{Taste}
The Taste of sweat Beads from your Body glisten across my lips. Glass of Water? A Choke and a gag, she spit up and came back for More. We will just choke on vomit and that will be the End. Taste This-


{Listen}
Oh, Dear Sound. My Life would not be the same without you. You move me to be. I hear the Violins in my Head. Fuck the Voices. The Voices play my Life in forward but the Violins; the Violins play me Still. Your sweet Laughter. Oh, so young. Let us Hope one day we may Laugh together. I hear you. I hear you. I just forgot how to Listen. The music says press On. So I will press On. The Heart does not speak so please Stop telling Me to Listen to It. The cries. I hear her cry from our back Room. My Heart Bleeds Dry for her. Listen You. Listen Kiddo. Listen My Dear. Shape Up. Move Forward. No one keeps you Still. Life will Still Go on. With or without you. Fuck your Heart. It is Never listening to you? Play that music and Listen. Listen To Me-

Writer's Block Solved. Narrative:{ }

When you run out of paper use what is close. For me its trading cards.- Don't ====judge....


Cherry Slices-Coffee-Graham Crackers-Bagel-Cream Cheese-Red Wine

The December sixty puts are one half today-Auggie ten at even- Just becasue you have that growth inbetween your legs does not make you better than me- you are pathetic-Your neverending bank account versus my weekly struggle to survive- Hang On-Why am i so fuckin stubborn?- its how i got here; i know- Your four letter badge means nothing to me- I have four letters we could try out-Everytime-every fifteen minutes is fifteen minutes less without you-but you-you are constantly running through my mind-not you-you-I enjoy when you call me by my formal name-you leave me far from dry on most nights-days included-I stand in the center of a pit surrounded by "Cocks"-Money hungry Cocks surrounding this one pigeon-oh, the ache-concentrate-concentrate-concentrate-concentrate-concentrate-the phone rings-Pay half on seven June?-back to reality-If you put lipstick on a pig its still a pig with lipstick on-Might go home tonight and watch a Classic Deep Throat and think of you-Naughty-Naughty-Back to reality- July sixty-eight puts two quarter bid-Sighs- so we chat- dead time-The world is not always working- I turn to you as you tell me what you and your wife did this weekend-I bet I could have thought of something better to do-I am envious of your family life-i am no mother-i can not stand my own Mother (at Times)((ok; most of the Time))-Not sure if i could be a Mother- I am nothing like your Wife-Stop being jealous of my single life- Well maybe you should be- Last Saturday I got...-Fuck, I really need to get my nails Done this week-I hate this job but who am i to complain-i have a J>O>B-What i would not give to go back to slinggin' drinks for patrons- at least they never judged me for the Art on my body- FINE!- Sell you two hundred at six even- It is not like you will make any money today-was that 10K i just lost>? Nah, forgot to round the decimal- Back to reality-Bitch-God, what is so wrong in your life that makes you feel that way?-You make me Sad when i look at you- Have another drink downstairs- It is on me- May ten on eighteen cars-Market? Fuck, where is my Clerk? HANNIGAN---??? so Young-so Stupid-So Irish- Back to Reality- December 60 calls?- One fourty-one eighty- Yeah, thats how you make a Market newbie- August eighty ninty risk reversal trades six times at two half- Love my Black Market Reporters- Ah, she smells of a Sweet Stripper- Here Comes my headache- I wish i had something else to read right now-Why am I craving a cigarette-My patchulli is wearing off- i never can spell that Word right- Back to reality- One on four-One on eighteen- April one twelve calls- Fifty at three ninety-sixty-No Trade- I'm OUT- Bell Rings- I am on TV today- Not the TV you or I watch- The smart people TV- Fuck Rick Centelli-CNBC Power Lunch loves me- I sell fourty thousand pounds of lean Hog meat and people want to know why- I am a Vegiterian-SP? ; dont ask me- type A J>O>B..-Fuck You Personality- Great Combo!- What's for Lunch?-Back to Reality- I am about to faint from standing here in this pit- in between married men-Refreshing- I can not begin to tell you how much your rude touches offend me- i have not said Hello to you in three weeks but every time you Walk by you brush my Arm w with your Hand-New Text Message- YaY-Lunch-BV's for pizza?- after work please- Back to Reality- Bell Rings- Twenty four minutes until the final fuckin bell and I can leave-12:38pm-the Close is Coming- This stress is what i have been waiting for all day- All the money I Lost- I have now seventeen minutes to make it back- Definitely a possibility- i am REAL good- You will see- Watch My Magic- God, I love nothing more than men yelling at one another- better at it than me- i am an Angel- Fuck- tie me down next time, won't you?- Just lost my wings- Fuck- Twelve Minutes- Back to Reality- I do not care-I can not get you out of my fucking Head- Nine Minutes...i need to Pay my Rent--

I live a Life of Fantasy and Romance...but here; here You don't exist. Here is where the real World starts and the fantasy Ends- Back To Reality-only four Minutes left and i am still down four grand- Everyday is exactly the same-Until Today