Dear Confessor'
What was I thinking? I was not thinking that's what. I have discomposed myself in the past month or so. I have done unforgettable and unfortunate things to fill this empty Black Void i call a soul. I have taken advantage of those closest to me me to enjoy my time. I have engaged in strenuous acts that the Devil would smile upon me for. I have taken adultery to a whole new level only to selfishly fulfill my sexual needs. I blame it on my age. I am in my Prime. Not just Once. Thrice. I have taken on Lovers that do not deserve my Love. I have done things that I always told myself I would not. I consist of only talent and Lust. My head bent backwards. My arms tied behind my Back. My legs bound and Bent. I have never really been one for a Bed. I enjoy Publicity. Exhibitionist? Yes, there was a Time I enjoyed being watched. Sitting at the end of a Dark Bar as your Hands slightly found there way Under my Dress. It was the Risk.
I have always been the Shy Girl.
Never really knowing what to do or to Say. I have always been Dying to catch my Breath but I never Learn. I was Always the One who sat in the Corner and kept Quiet. My Silence was years of building up my Confidence. When it came for My Time. My Time to Explode: To Speak; I Spoke Loud. I forgot about the Feelings. I Forgot about consequences. I was "Happy".
Well at least this is what I thought Happiness was. Every time takes away a part of me that i should have shared with You. i imagine what it would be like with You. Soft. Subtle. Hard. Rough. Calm. Smiles. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.
But in the End I know I would Disappoint You.
I know nothing of Love. I have never experienced this Feeling. "The Girl Will Only Break Your Heart." My Mother would Say to You. She is Right. I might do it without Really know what i have done. Do you hear that? That is the Sound of My Heart Breaking, It Broke Years Ago. Walking in on your one True Love with another woman Still to this Day; 2,192 days Later: I Still Feel It. Maybe it is the reason for my medical Heart issues. Who knows- i still smoke occasionally knowing that the Last Puff might be the end of me. Destroy Me. I feel like I have nothing to Loose. I have never gained anything worth holding on to. I have only Lost. I am Lost and have doubts of Never being Found. i have come to be aware that I might Die Alone. That Comforts me knowing the unexpected. understanding Comforts me. Comforts I Tell You. Comforts Me until I Imagine You. You; Maybe one Blue Eye; one Brown? You with your tamed Mane. His Words will Melt Me. His compassion for Life will astound Me. His excitement for New Found Territory will infect Me. He will hear my call a Mile away. He will whistle my Favorite song. He will ride a horse backwards. He Will flip pancakes in the air. he Will be marvelously Kind. And his favorite shape will be a Star. "Thought You never wanted to fall in Love?"That is the Point. The Man I Dream of does not exist. And if he Does Not exist, I will never Die of a Broken Heart.
I thought there would be more, but I am Simple. Therefore, he too shall be.
This is just a confession. A detailed representation of my aching Soul. I am not waiting for Perfection. It Does Not Exist. I am though waiting. Waiting for a perfect Time. A Perfect Moment. A perfect Night.
So to this I Praise....
