So it started out like any other dream.
Sitting in a Hooters with my ex husband, ordering too much than i knew i could eat. hooters?
Yes, Hooters
Hooters went to the El where we were riding and I noticed as you stood above me your zipper was open.
Any analysis of this would be nice.
Walking off the El down a street, just the two of us, crowded, there was a little black boy that made me nervous so i walked ahead, wearing black stilettos, have no idea why and you told me to slow down.
We passed, with the crowd under an aqua duck when I, just i came upon a set of train tracks.
i remember looking down at the tracks and seeing them. i remember looking to my left and seeing a train coming and police squads chasing it on either side.
A man.
A man with curly blond hair yelled at me "Watch out". it rang through my ears.
i wanted to pass over the tracks but felt indifferent, i stepped back and as i did someone was hit by the train.
Blood spattered everywhere. Everyone was doused in blood and flew back many a feet along with me.
I had blood on me. just a little. Just on my ankle. I screamed, than
I woke.
Dream over
Analysis please?
So living in the south loop has its perks.
i sit by my window at 2am, while the man i brought home walks across the street looking for contraceptives.
I watch the crowds gather outside the South loop club bar and wonder what there lives are like. What are they doing this weekend? What are they doing tonight?
I'm a people watcher.
I hate this quality about me, and still at times i find myself eating alone at lunch, sitting in a window seat just to be able to watch the people as they walk in front of me eating my sandwich at Freashi.
Whats to make of this?
Good night tonight.
I'm that girl that finds happiness in a 40 oz of some malt liquor and dance music coming from my stereo, decade? : 80's of course. George Michael, Heart anyone?
Good night tonight.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better....
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Day 15, 16, 17, and so on
Today was a trip down memory lane.
Hung out in the old hood today. Not actually hood, Western and Armitage, Bucktown, Wicker Park. Remembering the good times. Red Hot hot dogs and the liquor store run that led to my house on late nights above the Bank. Last good memory i have in that house is of you.....Dance parties and good beer. I think you made me Mexican food once. one of those nights you stayed with me like nothing else mattered.
Spent some time at the Maproom today. Lots of memories sitting at the bar, arguing with you, crying with you, kissing you as if no one cared. I remember the time I walked over there in the rain to meet you after the incident at the Christmas Party, that we never dare talk about again, and you never showed. I say there for 3 hrs reading the Red Eye, over and over till i memorized it. it wasn't pathetic, I just was in Love. and haven't been since. i remember the alley way with the heated garage where all i can remember is looking down at you as your face, in between my legs. All you wanted to do is make me happy. I think now, i should have done the same instead of asked so many questions. My questions, eventually, destroyed us.
This really has all been scattered in the back of my head for a long time, till now. I took the Western Blue line and remember the time i look the lineto meet you off Damen for the Wicker Park Fest where we drank at Nicks and had a good buzz on by 3pm. Miss that day. Hot as hell, but you never let go of my hand the whole time. I was yours that day...
For some reason, I thought of all you today. Well, i still think of you everyday, but not like before.
I remember the first time i met you. i still cant remember what my Life was like before that. Was i comfortable? Happy? Sad? Oblivious?
That first day/night was the best memory I have in Chicago. Ill never forget the boundaries I pushed. I can never forget sitting at that game, I knew you were a Big mistake, and a risky one, but I knew I didn't care. it was my time to let go. and yours as well.
All carefree until that fuckin Christmas party.
You know I only went to be with you, not "watch" you. I wanted to be near you. I figured I could experience "strippers" with you, out of my element. But you were "out of my element" since the first day I met you. We had done so much up to that point that normal people don't do.
I really know I shouldn't, but i can not stop apologizing in my head over and over each day, on how bad i hurt you that night. I never meant for it to get out of hand like it did. I can say now after all this time, i did nothing than be my insecure self. i never even thought of touching any other man other than you. When i said i loved you, I meant it. I did. I loved you......I was in love with you.
Remember sitting at Swig?
Remember the guy who brought you into realization that I was there. In that moment, for you. I proclaimed my emotions, my heart and my Soul that night. I knew that was our turning point and that there was no going back after that. Things would never be the same. The uncomfortable comfortable just became uncomfortable.
I remember you driving me to my grandmothers funeral and wake. No one ever cared that much for me. I owed you everything that day. When you met my father. I felt at peace. The most important people in my life meeting at one point in time....It was a sign I was on the right path. Everything happens for a reason was proved that day.
Sometimes i wonder if i truly miss you, or just the person you made me into.
I miss your laugh and your carefree nature. Undoubtedly, your laugh.
I miss that we didn't care what other people thought and we could be ourselves. No one judged us. No one cared. they just knew we were happy. They were jealous. How couldn't they be? We were Perfect. Perfectly unstable.
Considering all the circumstances.
You have left me trapped. I try to return to who I was before i met you. But I cant. I'm at a wall. I'm uncomfortable around you now. I feel like I don't know "this you". I remember "him" and how to act around "him". The old you. I'm not sure of who you are now. This is who you were before you met me. The person I don't know. I'm scared of this person. This isn't the man who told me he loved me, this is the man who never knew me. I cant really explain it, and I hate it. I hate it because its not you.
I am not desperate.
I am not Lonely.
Just Alone
Hung out in the old hood today. Not actually hood, Western and Armitage, Bucktown, Wicker Park. Remembering the good times. Red Hot hot dogs and the liquor store run that led to my house on late nights above the Bank. Last good memory i have in that house is of you.....Dance parties and good beer. I think you made me Mexican food once. one of those nights you stayed with me like nothing else mattered.
Spent some time at the Maproom today. Lots of memories sitting at the bar, arguing with you, crying with you, kissing you as if no one cared. I remember the time I walked over there in the rain to meet you after the incident at the Christmas Party, that we never dare talk about again, and you never showed. I say there for 3 hrs reading the Red Eye, over and over till i memorized it. it wasn't pathetic, I just was in Love. and haven't been since. i remember the alley way with the heated garage where all i can remember is looking down at you as your face, in between my legs. All you wanted to do is make me happy. I think now, i should have done the same instead of asked so many questions. My questions, eventually, destroyed us.
This really has all been scattered in the back of my head for a long time, till now. I took the Western Blue line and remember the time i look the lineto meet you off Damen for the Wicker Park Fest where we drank at Nicks and had a good buzz on by 3pm. Miss that day. Hot as hell, but you never let go of my hand the whole time. I was yours that day...
For some reason, I thought of all you today. Well, i still think of you everyday, but not like before.
I remember the first time i met you. i still cant remember what my Life was like before that. Was i comfortable? Happy? Sad? Oblivious?
That first day/night was the best memory I have in Chicago. Ill never forget the boundaries I pushed. I can never forget sitting at that game, I knew you were a Big mistake, and a risky one, but I knew I didn't care. it was my time to let go. and yours as well.
All carefree until that fuckin Christmas party.
You know I only went to be with you, not "watch" you. I wanted to be near you. I figured I could experience "strippers" with you, out of my element. But you were "out of my element" since the first day I met you. We had done so much up to that point that normal people don't do.
I really know I shouldn't, but i can not stop apologizing in my head over and over each day, on how bad i hurt you that night. I never meant for it to get out of hand like it did. I can say now after all this time, i did nothing than be my insecure self. i never even thought of touching any other man other than you. When i said i loved you, I meant it. I did. I loved you......I was in love with you.
Remember sitting at Swig?
Remember the guy who brought you into realization that I was there. In that moment, for you. I proclaimed my emotions, my heart and my Soul that night. I knew that was our turning point and that there was no going back after that. Things would never be the same. The uncomfortable comfortable just became uncomfortable.
I remember you driving me to my grandmothers funeral and wake. No one ever cared that much for me. I owed you everything that day. When you met my father. I felt at peace. The most important people in my life meeting at one point in time....It was a sign I was on the right path. Everything happens for a reason was proved that day.
Sometimes i wonder if i truly miss you, or just the person you made me into.
I miss your laugh and your carefree nature. Undoubtedly, your laugh.
I miss that we didn't care what other people thought and we could be ourselves. No one judged us. No one cared. they just knew we were happy. They were jealous. How couldn't they be? We were Perfect. Perfectly unstable.
Considering all the circumstances.
You have left me trapped. I try to return to who I was before i met you. But I cant. I'm at a wall. I'm uncomfortable around you now. I feel like I don't know "this you". I remember "him" and how to act around "him". The old you. I'm not sure of who you are now. This is who you were before you met me. The person I don't know. I'm scared of this person. This isn't the man who told me he loved me, this is the man who never knew me. I cant really explain it, and I hate it. I hate it because its not you.
I am not desperate.
I am not Lonely.
Just Alone
Monday, May 28, 2012
Day 12-14
Sit.
Heavier than it looks, isnt it?
If you could go back , would you do it all the same?
Im surprised to hear that. And Glad
Today you got a hard look behind the curtain.
Recoreing the natural order is not quite such fun,
when you have to mop up the mess.
This is hard for you.
You throw away your Life and assume it will bounce
right back into your lap.
The Human soul is not a rubber ball.
Its vulnerable.Inpermanent. But stronger than you know.
More vulnerable than you can imagine.
So?
I think you have learned something today.
We are done here.
Its been lovely.
Heavier than it looks, isnt it?
If you could go back , would you do it all the same?
Im surprised to hear that. And Glad
Today you got a hard look behind the curtain.
Recoreing the natural order is not quite such fun,
when you have to mop up the mess.
This is hard for you.
You throw away your Life and assume it will bounce
right back into your lap.
The Human soul is not a rubber ball.
Its vulnerable.Inpermanent. But stronger than you know.
More vulnerable than you can imagine.
So?
I think you have learned something today.
We are done here.
Its been lovely.
Thursday, May 24, 2012
day 11
To a good weekend. and an early Friday....
The Time has come. Be real. Embrace the weekend. Embrace the holiday.
I'm full of Holidays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9_ipu9GKw
The Time has come. Be real. Embrace the weekend. Embrace the holiday.
I'm full of Holidays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9_ipu9GKw
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Day 10
Day 10-----
Sighs.
Long week so far. Tons going on.
Nothing real exciting going on in reality. I am finding it hard to write on here, hoping it doesn't possess me to not write. I have a lot going on in the mind.
I cant wait to see my Father. Maybe he can sort some of this out.
Going away this weekend. Every time i make up my mind to head to the burbs to visit the family, that I miss so much, I contemplate all the talk and conversations i have to have with my mother.
:Are you coming alone?
Is it that hard for you to date Kimberly?
are you a lesbian?
Doesn't it hurt to not be able to share your time with someone?
Hows work dear?
Its like Christmas all over again, every year, running into the bathroom upstairs, sitting on the floor, balling my eyes out bc I am alone.
I'm not lonely, just Alone.
So i started up a Linkedin account the other day and i get a message from my first Love. His name was Jim Iles. He was the kindest man I had ever met. Such a gentleman, such loyalty. It was the first time my heart fell and he rose to claim it. He is married now with a 4years old. That makes me smile. It has its purpose. He completes the cycle of all my ex lovers that are happy now, either married, children or something better.
He was the beginning of my end. It was the first and not the last time i let something good go without regret. It was a cycle that i would never break...
Till now.
I'm holding onto a lot of regrets lately. Questioning my actions over the past 15 years. Was it all for some cosmic purpose? Is this where I am suppose to be? Am i really happy? Whats so important that everyone else can find the true meaning to Life and I am stuck here still, pouring out my heart over instant messenger? ha, no one is a romantic like myself. (makes me smile) Maybe this is my real Life, my reality. Maybe i am just looking for some superficial meaning to all this when really all the answers are here already. Why does being a single woman in a big city so difficult.
The grass is not greener on the other side, but the other side has potential. And potential can lead to many more colors than just Green.
I tried my Best.
Did I mention that I cant wait to see my dad again?
Yeah, well I am...
Sighs.
Long week so far. Tons going on.
Nothing real exciting going on in reality. I am finding it hard to write on here, hoping it doesn't possess me to not write. I have a lot going on in the mind.
I cant wait to see my Father. Maybe he can sort some of this out.
Going away this weekend. Every time i make up my mind to head to the burbs to visit the family, that I miss so much, I contemplate all the talk and conversations i have to have with my mother.
:Are you coming alone?
Is it that hard for you to date Kimberly?
are you a lesbian?
Doesn't it hurt to not be able to share your time with someone?
Hows work dear?
Its like Christmas all over again, every year, running into the bathroom upstairs, sitting on the floor, balling my eyes out bc I am alone.
I'm not lonely, just Alone.
So i started up a Linkedin account the other day and i get a message from my first Love. His name was Jim Iles. He was the kindest man I had ever met. Such a gentleman, such loyalty. It was the first time my heart fell and he rose to claim it. He is married now with a 4years old. That makes me smile. It has its purpose. He completes the cycle of all my ex lovers that are happy now, either married, children or something better.
He was the beginning of my end. It was the first and not the last time i let something good go without regret. It was a cycle that i would never break...
Till now.
I'm holding onto a lot of regrets lately. Questioning my actions over the past 15 years. Was it all for some cosmic purpose? Is this where I am suppose to be? Am i really happy? Whats so important that everyone else can find the true meaning to Life and I am stuck here still, pouring out my heart over instant messenger? ha, no one is a romantic like myself. (makes me smile) Maybe this is my real Life, my reality. Maybe i am just looking for some superficial meaning to all this when really all the answers are here already. Why does being a single woman in a big city so difficult.
The grass is not greener on the other side, but the other side has potential. And potential can lead to many more colors than just Green.
I tried my Best.
Did I mention that I cant wait to see my dad again?
Yeah, well I am...
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Day 4 through 7
WED: Nothing really happened Wed besides getting my ass handed to me again in tennis. Taking on this new hobby is exhilarating. No really. Never felt better. Im liking this change...
THURS: Work. Sleep. Eat. Garbage...oh wait. Had lunch at El Cid with my Dirtbag, AKA Beth. Was really nice to see her. Its been a long time, feels like forever since. She informed me she is doing well and happy in her life. Shes buying a house with a man she has been dating. Just really, honestly, so happy for her. Tragic life can turn into something beautiful with the right amount of patience and time.
I admit, i was jealous. But it will happen. Im not worried.
I was sad too, I feel like I am really loosing her the farther she moves away. I know its not true, just politics. All my love....
FRI: Today was a good day. A great day actually. So the NATO conference and practically placed me prisioner in my own home. There was a security guard who is monitoring my building 24/7.
Rules: No deliveries. No guests.
Not going to stop me of course.
Today was good. Work went quick and the weekend has arrived.
I came home and reconnected with an old friend. his name is Jamie. He just had another baby, kinda jealous. Not going to lie.
Drinks with Jimmy. Ha, weirdest thing happened. we were sitting outside having a cold one and a butterfly, get this, just landed on him. I know its not fascinating, but it was simple. Simple and perfect. Its a sign.
Ha, then the night ended with dancing and good friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better. i missed this. I missed just being me, simple. No worries. The warm night air. Reconnecting. No regrets. Just pure bliss. Its been a long time since I felt that. I hope to feel it again.
SAT: TENNIS!!!! DOG PARK!!! Police on every corner. Prison in my own city! LOL. Heading out to the burbs tonight to enjoy yet again another free evening. Enjoying the weather, eating Subway and smiling!
SAT: ie, So, I have really started to enjoy my weekends off. No more bar tending EVER> I'm giving up working in an industry that left me 10 years ago. To think I have been chasing this career? So much time wasted. So many useless memories. Eh, ok i admit it; I have regrets. Dont we all?
"So far away but still so near....."
THURS: Work. Sleep. Eat. Garbage...oh wait. Had lunch at El Cid with my Dirtbag, AKA Beth. Was really nice to see her. Its been a long time, feels like forever since. She informed me she is doing well and happy in her life. Shes buying a house with a man she has been dating. Just really, honestly, so happy for her. Tragic life can turn into something beautiful with the right amount of patience and time.
I admit, i was jealous. But it will happen. Im not worried.
I was sad too, I feel like I am really loosing her the farther she moves away. I know its not true, just politics. All my love....
FRI: Today was a good day. A great day actually. So the NATO conference and practically placed me prisioner in my own home. There was a security guard who is monitoring my building 24/7.
Rules: No deliveries. No guests.
Not going to stop me of course.
Today was good. Work went quick and the weekend has arrived.
I came home and reconnected with an old friend. his name is Jamie. He just had another baby, kinda jealous. Not going to lie.
Drinks with Jimmy. Ha, weirdest thing happened. we were sitting outside having a cold one and a butterfly, get this, just landed on him. I know its not fascinating, but it was simple. Simple and perfect. Its a sign.
Ha, then the night ended with dancing and good friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better. i missed this. I missed just being me, simple. No worries. The warm night air. Reconnecting. No regrets. Just pure bliss. Its been a long time since I felt that. I hope to feel it again.
SAT: TENNIS!!!! DOG PARK!!! Police on every corner. Prison in my own city! LOL. Heading out to the burbs tonight to enjoy yet again another free evening. Enjoying the weather, eating Subway and smiling!
SAT: ie, So, I have really started to enjoy my weekends off. No more bar tending EVER> I'm giving up working in an industry that left me 10 years ago. To think I have been chasing this career? So much time wasted. So many useless memories. Eh, ok i admit it; I have regrets. Dont we all?
"So far away but still so near....."
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