Sit.
Heavier than it looks, isnt it?
If you could go back , would you do it all the same?
Im surprised to hear that. And Glad
Today you got a hard look behind the curtain.
Recoreing the natural order is not quite such fun,
when you have to mop up the mess.
This is hard for you.
You throw away your Life and assume it will bounce
right back into your lap.
The Human soul is not a rubber ball.
Its vulnerable.Inpermanent. But stronger than you know.
More vulnerable than you can imagine.
So?
I think you have learned something today.
We are done here.
Its been lovely.
Monday, May 28, 2012
Thursday, May 24, 2012
day 11
To a good weekend. and an early Friday....
The Time has come. Be real. Embrace the weekend. Embrace the holiday.
I'm full of Holidays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9_ipu9GKw
The Time has come. Be real. Embrace the weekend. Embrace the holiday.
I'm full of Holidays
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9_ipu9GKw
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Day 10
Day 10-----
Sighs.
Long week so far. Tons going on.
Nothing real exciting going on in reality. I am finding it hard to write on here, hoping it doesn't possess me to not write. I have a lot going on in the mind.
I cant wait to see my Father. Maybe he can sort some of this out.
Going away this weekend. Every time i make up my mind to head to the burbs to visit the family, that I miss so much, I contemplate all the talk and conversations i have to have with my mother.
:Are you coming alone?
Is it that hard for you to date Kimberly?
are you a lesbian?
Doesn't it hurt to not be able to share your time with someone?
Hows work dear?
Its like Christmas all over again, every year, running into the bathroom upstairs, sitting on the floor, balling my eyes out bc I am alone.
I'm not lonely, just Alone.
So i started up a Linkedin account the other day and i get a message from my first Love. His name was Jim Iles. He was the kindest man I had ever met. Such a gentleman, such loyalty. It was the first time my heart fell and he rose to claim it. He is married now with a 4years old. That makes me smile. It has its purpose. He completes the cycle of all my ex lovers that are happy now, either married, children or something better.
He was the beginning of my end. It was the first and not the last time i let something good go without regret. It was a cycle that i would never break...
Till now.
I'm holding onto a lot of regrets lately. Questioning my actions over the past 15 years. Was it all for some cosmic purpose? Is this where I am suppose to be? Am i really happy? Whats so important that everyone else can find the true meaning to Life and I am stuck here still, pouring out my heart over instant messenger? ha, no one is a romantic like myself. (makes me smile) Maybe this is my real Life, my reality. Maybe i am just looking for some superficial meaning to all this when really all the answers are here already. Why does being a single woman in a big city so difficult.
The grass is not greener on the other side, but the other side has potential. And potential can lead to many more colors than just Green.
I tried my Best.
Did I mention that I cant wait to see my dad again?
Yeah, well I am...
Sighs.
Long week so far. Tons going on.
Nothing real exciting going on in reality. I am finding it hard to write on here, hoping it doesn't possess me to not write. I have a lot going on in the mind.
I cant wait to see my Father. Maybe he can sort some of this out.
Going away this weekend. Every time i make up my mind to head to the burbs to visit the family, that I miss so much, I contemplate all the talk and conversations i have to have with my mother.
:Are you coming alone?
Is it that hard for you to date Kimberly?
are you a lesbian?
Doesn't it hurt to not be able to share your time with someone?
Hows work dear?
Its like Christmas all over again, every year, running into the bathroom upstairs, sitting on the floor, balling my eyes out bc I am alone.
I'm not lonely, just Alone.
So i started up a Linkedin account the other day and i get a message from my first Love. His name was Jim Iles. He was the kindest man I had ever met. Such a gentleman, such loyalty. It was the first time my heart fell and he rose to claim it. He is married now with a 4years old. That makes me smile. It has its purpose. He completes the cycle of all my ex lovers that are happy now, either married, children or something better.
He was the beginning of my end. It was the first and not the last time i let something good go without regret. It was a cycle that i would never break...
Till now.
I'm holding onto a lot of regrets lately. Questioning my actions over the past 15 years. Was it all for some cosmic purpose? Is this where I am suppose to be? Am i really happy? Whats so important that everyone else can find the true meaning to Life and I am stuck here still, pouring out my heart over instant messenger? ha, no one is a romantic like myself. (makes me smile) Maybe this is my real Life, my reality. Maybe i am just looking for some superficial meaning to all this when really all the answers are here already. Why does being a single woman in a big city so difficult.
The grass is not greener on the other side, but the other side has potential. And potential can lead to many more colors than just Green.
I tried my Best.
Did I mention that I cant wait to see my dad again?
Yeah, well I am...
Monday, May 21, 2012
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Day 4 through 7
WED: Nothing really happened Wed besides getting my ass handed to me again in tennis. Taking on this new hobby is exhilarating. No really. Never felt better. Im liking this change...
THURS: Work. Sleep. Eat. Garbage...oh wait. Had lunch at El Cid with my Dirtbag, AKA Beth. Was really nice to see her. Its been a long time, feels like forever since. She informed me she is doing well and happy in her life. Shes buying a house with a man she has been dating. Just really, honestly, so happy for her. Tragic life can turn into something beautiful with the right amount of patience and time.
I admit, i was jealous. But it will happen. Im not worried.
I was sad too, I feel like I am really loosing her the farther she moves away. I know its not true, just politics. All my love....
FRI: Today was a good day. A great day actually. So the NATO conference and practically placed me prisioner in my own home. There was a security guard who is monitoring my building 24/7.
Rules: No deliveries. No guests.
Not going to stop me of course.
Today was good. Work went quick and the weekend has arrived.
I came home and reconnected with an old friend. his name is Jamie. He just had another baby, kinda jealous. Not going to lie.
Drinks with Jimmy. Ha, weirdest thing happened. we were sitting outside having a cold one and a butterfly, get this, just landed on him. I know its not fascinating, but it was simple. Simple and perfect. Its a sign.
Ha, then the night ended with dancing and good friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better. i missed this. I missed just being me, simple. No worries. The warm night air. Reconnecting. No regrets. Just pure bliss. Its been a long time since I felt that. I hope to feel it again.
SAT: TENNIS!!!! DOG PARK!!! Police on every corner. Prison in my own city! LOL. Heading out to the burbs tonight to enjoy yet again another free evening. Enjoying the weather, eating Subway and smiling!
SAT: ie, So, I have really started to enjoy my weekends off. No more bar tending EVER> I'm giving up working in an industry that left me 10 years ago. To think I have been chasing this career? So much time wasted. So many useless memories. Eh, ok i admit it; I have regrets. Dont we all?
"So far away but still so near....."
THURS: Work. Sleep. Eat. Garbage...oh wait. Had lunch at El Cid with my Dirtbag, AKA Beth. Was really nice to see her. Its been a long time, feels like forever since. She informed me she is doing well and happy in her life. Shes buying a house with a man she has been dating. Just really, honestly, so happy for her. Tragic life can turn into something beautiful with the right amount of patience and time.
I admit, i was jealous. But it will happen. Im not worried.
I was sad too, I feel like I am really loosing her the farther she moves away. I know its not true, just politics. All my love....
FRI: Today was a good day. A great day actually. So the NATO conference and practically placed me prisioner in my own home. There was a security guard who is monitoring my building 24/7.
Rules: No deliveries. No guests.
Not going to stop me of course.
Today was good. Work went quick and the weekend has arrived.
I came home and reconnected with an old friend. his name is Jamie. He just had another baby, kinda jealous. Not going to lie.
Drinks with Jimmy. Ha, weirdest thing happened. we were sitting outside having a cold one and a butterfly, get this, just landed on him. I know its not fascinating, but it was simple. Simple and perfect. Its a sign.
Ha, then the night ended with dancing and good friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better. i missed this. I missed just being me, simple. No worries. The warm night air. Reconnecting. No regrets. Just pure bliss. Its been a long time since I felt that. I hope to feel it again.
SAT: TENNIS!!!! DOG PARK!!! Police on every corner. Prison in my own city! LOL. Heading out to the burbs tonight to enjoy yet again another free evening. Enjoying the weather, eating Subway and smiling!
SAT: ie, So, I have really started to enjoy my weekends off. No more bar tending EVER> I'm giving up working in an industry that left me 10 years ago. To think I have been chasing this career? So much time wasted. So many useless memories. Eh, ok i admit it; I have regrets. Dont we all?
"So far away but still so near....."
Tuesday, May 15, 2012
Day 3
I am so sore....i got my ass whooped! LOL Day 4 shows promise.
Day 3: 9:58pm
Ming Choy and Riesling tonight on a roof deck. Then the rain came.
The conversations we have are amazing on the roof deck, us two. I miss her.
She always knows what to say. She tells me to seek out my soul mate. I told her no, no, he is gone for now. My heart falls and no one came to claim it. She laughed. My hands they re Strong but my knees were far too weak to be myself. That's how i lost him. that's how i fell to my feet. There was a side to me he never knew, things I said, games I played that were never true. I missed my chance. 13 years later.
Sharing my fondest memories with you, to her, she again, laughed. "one day........" Never true.
My life is changing very soon. Moving again in a few months. I can not wait to start my new Home. I'm still thinking of ways to scream out to my landlord I'm moving. I'm about to burst. Im scared of moving again in with someone, but this place here, it has memories, I want to forget.
Had another laser treatment today. This time, I cried. The pain was unbearable but i will never tell anyone that. I don't cry. 6 more treatments and hopefully we will be in the clear.
I was walking home from the treatment today, walking around in a sundress with a huge bandage on and i was sad. I walked by a little girl and her father. Adele, again on the play list playing in my ears ....Ah, Adele, you filthy whore.
I received a smile.
This little girl looked at me as if I was an Angel, or had one on my shoulder. Made my day. Fuck it, it made my week.....
Day 3: 9:58pm
Ming Choy and Riesling tonight on a roof deck. Then the rain came.
The conversations we have are amazing on the roof deck, us two. I miss her.
She always knows what to say. She tells me to seek out my soul mate. I told her no, no, he is gone for now. My heart falls and no one came to claim it. She laughed. My hands they re Strong but my knees were far too weak to be myself. That's how i lost him. that's how i fell to my feet. There was a side to me he never knew, things I said, games I played that were never true. I missed my chance. 13 years later.
Sharing my fondest memories with you, to her, she again, laughed. "one day........" Never true.
My life is changing very soon. Moving again in a few months. I can not wait to start my new Home. I'm still thinking of ways to scream out to my landlord I'm moving. I'm about to burst. Im scared of moving again in with someone, but this place here, it has memories, I want to forget.
Had another laser treatment today. This time, I cried. The pain was unbearable but i will never tell anyone that. I don't cry. 6 more treatments and hopefully we will be in the clear.
I was walking home from the treatment today, walking around in a sundress with a huge bandage on and i was sad. I walked by a little girl and her father. Adele, again on the play list playing in my ears ....Ah, Adele, you filthy whore.
I received a smile.
This little girl looked at me as if I was an Angel, or had one on my shoulder. Made my day. Fuck it, it made my week.....
Monday, May 14, 2012
Day 2
Day 2: May 14th, 2012 8:28am
So for some reason I woke up super early this morning, way before the alarm. Justifying the fact why I am sitting here writing so early.
Wow, my blog from last night got a lot of responses.
Don't worry people, I am OK.
Remember never pity.
A girl just has some thought and writing them out, with whatever way they come across on a page, is just a release. Its better sometimes to release the emotion instead of holding it all on my shoulders.
I am OK. Promise.
I'm off to work. Got to love a 5 minute walk!! And yes, I will enjoy the weather today.....!
Day 2: 1:28pm
So I'm deciding since it is nice out today to go get a pedicure. yeah i could be joining the rest of the crew for lunch and drinks, but i think I'm past that. I seem to be only hanging out with past lovers or overdue ones lately so.... Tennis later tonight with Brit at Grant Park and maybe some Chinese food somewhere in between. Now the pedicure....What is it?
So I met a man once that told me a woman's nails and toenails should always match. Color wise that is. What is it about matching nails? Erotic?? I kinda see the point but not really. Are men really looking at our feet anyways....? Most of them really despise feet actually. Its in our heads. We women think we need to "up" to impress. Honestly, its about the mind, not really the color i choose to paint my nails, but the process of me wanting to keep myself well maintained? Is it even possible to be "well-maintained" in this City?
Besides that, I quit today. Smoking that is. Yeah, would you have ever guessed? Not a lady like me, huh? LOL. I have tattoos also but no one seems to believe me until I tell them. No really, it was time. Its not really the health issue, OK, it was, but I'm just basically over it. I had no reason to be doing it. I use to think it was a stress reliever , that was until I found batteries. :) Lets see how long this one last. Yet again, another first for Ms. Bennett.
I'll keep you posted on the tennis....
So for some reason I woke up super early this morning, way before the alarm. Justifying the fact why I am sitting here writing so early.
Wow, my blog from last night got a lot of responses.
Don't worry people, I am OK.
Remember never pity.
A girl just has some thought and writing them out, with whatever way they come across on a page, is just a release. Its better sometimes to release the emotion instead of holding it all on my shoulders.
I am OK. Promise.
I'm off to work. Got to love a 5 minute walk!! And yes, I will enjoy the weather today.....!
Day 2: 1:28pm
So I'm deciding since it is nice out today to go get a pedicure. yeah i could be joining the rest of the crew for lunch and drinks, but i think I'm past that. I seem to be only hanging out with past lovers or overdue ones lately so.... Tennis later tonight with Brit at Grant Park and maybe some Chinese food somewhere in between. Now the pedicure....What is it?
So I met a man once that told me a woman's nails and toenails should always match. Color wise that is. What is it about matching nails? Erotic?? I kinda see the point but not really. Are men really looking at our feet anyways....? Most of them really despise feet actually. Its in our heads. We women think we need to "up" to impress. Honestly, its about the mind, not really the color i choose to paint my nails, but the process of me wanting to keep myself well maintained? Is it even possible to be "well-maintained" in this City?
Besides that, I quit today. Smoking that is. Yeah, would you have ever guessed? Not a lady like me, huh? LOL. I have tattoos also but no one seems to believe me until I tell them. No really, it was time. Its not really the health issue, OK, it was, but I'm just basically over it. I had no reason to be doing it. I use to think it was a stress reliever , that was until I found batteries. :) Lets see how long this one last. Yet again, another first for Ms. Bennett.
I'll keep you posted on the tennis....
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