LIFe as I see IT

Live he said LIVE!
So i did.
I'm trying everyday to stay ALive..


The first man i ever fell in love with was when i was three. i remember being outside in the hot July sun in my kiddy pool, lying there, almost dead in excitement. His name was Richard. i called him Daddy. We lay there together in a pool of water. It was my first memory of him. my first memory Ever. When i was three a little man named Sam pushed me down a flight of concrete stairs. i fell to my death the First time. i knew there were more to come. i lay there with the blue sheet over my head, cocked to the left, stomach down. i told him to not let the men stick me with any needles. he promised he wouldn't let them hurt me. thank you Daddy. i took 34 pricks to the head that day of who knows what. my brain was all over the table. when i was 11 i pranced my way away from all the other kids. i pranced my way to my second death. i slipped. i fell. i opened up my brain all over the brick wall that kissed me ever so gently. Daddy, help.


"WHEN I WAS 16 I FOUGHT DEATH AGAIN. THAT LUMP ON MY BACK. THE CANCER. THE GUILT.  the torn spine. the hospital. the nurses named Joan. THE PAIN. THE PAIN THE PAIN THE PAIN THE PAIN THE PAIN THE PAIN. THE TEARS THE TEARS THE TEARS THE TEARS THE TEARS. NO DADDY."


His name was brian. I was 22.  i fell in love for the second time. his chivalry. his charisma. i wanted him. i had him. where is all this blood from? am i dying. this doesn't happen to women like me. MISCARRIAGE. MISCARRIAGE MISCARRIAGE. MISCARRIAGE.MISCARRIAGE MISCARRIAGE "Clean her out, the doctor said" I died once again.


Relief. Abandonment. Loneliness.






His name was Brad. He made me who I am. He opened me up to your sexuality.


His name was Charles. He was my Husband. He loved 19year old women more then he Loved me.


His name was Jeff. His heart was Gold. I was a Bitch. I had the best. I listened to others and not Him. I was growing up. He wasn't.


His name was Josh. He didn't like my Smoking habit. He loved to fight. I was so mean to him. i still am. He left bruises in the shape of hearts all over me.

"SHE'S DYING. JUST TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL. SHE BELONGS THERE. GET HER TO A DOCTOR NOW. CALL 911. NO ONE SHOULD BE IN THAT MUCH PAIN. hello mam', what is your emergency?. Death is on its way. 3 minutes."

not afraid to never wake up anymore
acceptance
denial
pain
pain
pain
pain
pain

DADDY;
im falling to my Death again.

UnFINISHED Projects

Subjects to Focus on but never ComPLEted


A) Fuck, why do I  need Alcohol to watch you? To speak to you? Am I turning into my Mother? You are so much more Entertaining when I am drinking....

B) Sex

C) Needy Men who call themselves Women

D) The Last Man on the Left is about to "Detonate". Forcefully, enticing Nature.

E) Masturbation is only Temporary

F) Flush me away...Ass Spread

G)"Do you like your Job?" I sure as Hell don't like Mine.

H) My name is -----------------

I) "In addition to the Soups on the menu we are also serving "God damn you are a Bitch", followed by our Daily Entree which consists of a little "Suck on This You Ignorant Rat", and finally our Special Dessert, cherry on top and all of a most tantalizing "Go Fuck yourself".....

J) A female Jerk of Circle.

K) I never think I can Cum twice in a row,
then I think of you,
 yell your name out loud while I pleasure myself and I am proven otherwise,


L) You were so beautiful till I looked down and saw your Left Hand. you were so beautiful until you introduced me to your girlfriend. you were so beautiful until you told me i had to loose 10 pounds to be perfect. you were so beautiful until i saw you with another man. you were so beautiful the way your words made me hungry for more. you were so beautiful how you use to make me fantasize about feeling plausibly Complete.... 

M) You're Killing Me now.
 I won't be denied by you,
 the Animal inside of You. 

N) You should come over to my House and Paint my Nails Black

O) One Last Jump with Me Myself and I. All it takes is One person to understand. only One person to change the Minds of Millions. Only one...

P) People like you and I live many Lives. Maybe the next one....

Q) Q & A with all 30

R) Rape behind my building......

S)
T) Tragic Loneliness is Boring
U)

V)
W)
X) Beano XOXO
Y) Don't Moan, Learn to Scream. Yell
Z)

aLONe

Oh, my Anger has got the Best of me.
My style has come and Gone,
I walked Alone tonight,
Wondering.

Messages sent,
Nothing.

Are you lonely?
Are you alone?

You may think...
but it it is not what I think.

You are Sad....
You are Alone...
You are fucking...
You are Gone?

The Hand on my Skin is not Yours,
the ruffle on my break is not not wet,
the stabbing ache in my Heart wonders,
the blessed Soul of my Lust breaks.

You do not know me,
until you try to understand me.

Your understanding of your Past has led you to
now
Your understanding of a Woman has led you to find a Man to make you Whole.
Wonder what it's like?
Me too.

I miss the Break,
I miss the Late,
I miss the End,
I miss the Start.

Wonder where you are tonight?

Its been 32 days today since we met Last.
Are you Hungry?
Are you Thirsty?

Were you only intrigued because you thought you could not have Me?

You still can't.
That moment was just a moment.

Do we have more to offer?
Are you Alone in your thoughts of Her,
wondering?
Does your tyrant ache to be released
of the pressure built by utter ignorance?
Does your Heart break?

Are you Alone tonight?

Mine does,
this Heart.
This mind.

Where did the ignorance go wrong,
pity....

Step out of your Spotlight
Welcome to Reality.

We are waiting for you,

Wake Up,
Sir.

Welcome.......

WANDERLUST

It's another gray Sunday
and you have left me raw,
exhausted,
and to full.

My feet itch.

I'm looking at my book of places and all I want to do is go.
Each page I flip
is a place I haven't been to yet,
a sight that hasn't filled my eyes
with contented wonder and awe yet,
a scent that hasn't teased and tantalized my pheromones yet.

I want to lay my hands all over this Earth.

I want
to stare down the vistas of Central America
as she trembles under my lecherous gaze.

I want to trace my fingertips around the faded
thousand-year old alphabets on ancient Libyan desert cave walls,
then gently press my parted lips to every last freckle
in the mosaic-tired floors of Morocco.

I want to lick that addictive sweet nectar
from Khanpur's poppy-petaled valley,
pleasure every last glacier
as they melt beneath my tongue.

I want to tongue the scars of Machu Picchu,
dirty dance with Venezuela,
sit on Cannon Mountain's great stone face,
caress the swollen aching hills of Scotland,
and clamp my teeth down hard at their tip,
strip Southeast Asia down
and walk her stretch marks around China,
erected brick by brick from the labors of her body.

I want to keep Paris and London and Berlin
and Istanbul and Rio de Janeiro up all night.

I want to learn Greek-
alpha and omega and crazy eights-
and spell it out with my hips on Athen's tip.

I want to float on Indian Ocean's buoyancy
as he yanks my hair through his currents
and thrust his salty fluids down my open throat.

And finally,
to climb and pant and force my way to release
at Nepal's peak where together we stretch our bodies,
rigid and tense, as close to Nirvana
as they'll reach.

But
I'm still here,
sitting on my couch,
my book of places dog-eared and coffee-stained in my lap.

And there's something about you
that tells me to stay in this place,

It's the way sometimes I want to inhale you,
like that exhausted sticky aroma
of another country
that comes from my suitcase
only after I've returned Home.

You are as close to Nirvana as I'll get....

REDEMPTION

Look back in silence; the cradle of your whole life.

There in the distance, loosing its greatest pride.

Nothing is easy, nothing is sacred. Why?

Where did the bow break?

It happened before your time.

There were people there, lovely as you’ve ever been.

Tonight.

Baby you can start again.

Laughing in the open air; have yourself another dream.

Tonight.

We can start again.

Only the young can break away, break away.

Lost when the wind blow; on your own

Mother its cold here. Father thy will be done.

Thunder and lightening crashing down.

They got me on the run, direct me to the sun.

Redemption keeps my covers clean tonight.

 

The sun will shine again.

Are you looking for a sign?

Or are you caught up in the light?

Hahahahaha.

Hahahahaha.

Only the young can…

Lost when the wind blow…

My Revenge

Sir, Sir,

We're finally alone.

And you've got it Coming.

I want to get these hands dirty,

this skin covered in sweat.

I want to feel you rigid and stiff beneath me.

I've been waiting for this Moment

ever since I saw the way

you made her stain porcelain

with that last kiss goodbye.

I can't promise I'll be good.

You have to admit

we're incompatible in a lot of ways.

Like for example,

your hair is thinning

and I haven't got all mine yet.

I can't help but giggle

as you stare me down from my bedroom door,

that handsome, fatherly

look in your eyes.

"Get over here, daddy!

You said you had a lesson to teach me,

at least if I promised to call you that."

Don't you want

to get me out of this dress that is two sizes too small?

It squeezes and lumps everything

into tight little ripe bumps.

This girl has been cruising,

and there's nothing like a father figure

to give her the bruising she deserves.

I know

you've been waiting for this for a Long time.

So have I.

I could tell how you looked right through

my mother, the bride.

When I saw the way you inhaled

the ink

right off the pages of my Diary.

When I caught you,

your tongue quivering as it ran down the binding.

I knew you were mine.

Cover over here.

I'll let you suck on my perfect Red lacquered big toe,

run your hairy paws along my inner thighs.

I promise

I won't even flinch when you whisper in my ear

and send long drops of spittle down my neck.

Come closer, Sir.

I only want to smell the sweat on your Breath,

twist tiny hands in your hair.

You see, I am a compassionate woman.

so I'll allow you the pleasure of my scent

as I wrap my pale thighs round your fragile neck

and suffocate every last plea for life right out of you.

Now the old woman can stop clawing at her Grave.

Predicting the Future

VOLUPTUARIES

In the Morning I linger
long enough for us to feed our intemperate bodies, again,
too long for a shower before work.

I ride half an inch off my bike seat,
giggle like a proud teenager,
while the wasps you've left inside my jeans
engrave your mid-day bristles down my sticky thighs.

You call me
after I've washed
voice cracking with pluck,
to make sure you haven't left me
too sore.

I balk,
scoff,
prod you,
tell you
not a goddamn chance.
I don't recognize myself
clean and dry anymore.

I take you down a little
and you step right up to the Challenge.