Found

And the heart is hard to translate, 

It has a language of it's own, 

It talks and tongues and quiet sighs and prayers and proclamations, 

In the grand days of great men and the smallest of gestures, 

In short shallow gasps.

But with all my education, 

I can't seem to commend it, 

And the words are all escaping me, 

And coming back all damaged, 

And I would put them back in poetry, 

If I only knew how, 

I can't seem to understand it

And I would give all this and heaven too, 

I would give it all if only for a moment, 

That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see, 

it never makes sense to me at all.

And it talks to me in tiptoes, 

And sings to me inside, 

It cries out in the darkest night, 

And breaks in the morning.

[

No, words are a language, 

It doesn't deserve such treatment, 

And all my stumbling phrases, 

Never amounted to anything worth this feeling, 

All this heaven, 

Never could describe such a feeling as I'm having, 

Words were never so useful, 

So I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before.

THE END

Orgasm

The brain explodes.

The body tightens all around.

The anticipation of prolonging.

Placing the mind in a situation that could one day exist

to capture only a few seconds of complete bliss.

Stepping out of this world

into another for just one brief moment.

Sighs

Oh, the possibilities of achieving utter satisfaction.

Warm breaths on my skin.

Touch

Release.

The day has turned to night

the smells are enhanced

the sensations are pure

Into disparate slivers of light,

that weave into an aura,

Like a thunderstorm in the body

With both violence and serenity,

Stretching seconds into eternity,
And draining it,

Of far more than the spilled fluids,

Around gently pulsating flesh



Commitment

Its the way sometimes

I want to be nourished by you,

but please

don't forget to let me be hungry.

Its the way that you let me loose in you

to nose around

without a map or a compass,

and grow frightened in the ways I get lost in you.

Or the way I want to be a kid with you,

dam up your liquids with mud and leaves

into puddles of summer storms

so I can drink freely from you

until you

must

have

release,

and break my seam and flood into me.

Or how I sometimes want to be

still with you

all through my dreams,

until you wake me to lift the weight

of gray sunday from my waist.

And just when you thought it was safe to stop coming,

let it begin again.



I'm over counting the Days

What is it with the people in this City?

Is it the people or just the people I choose to associate with?
 I feel like my mind sometimes takes a back seat when it comes to the descions I make.

I meet people everyday.
Fascinating folk they are.
Everyday, someone new.
Same ol story.
This week though, I had an experience I will never forget.

I'm not here putting people on Blast, but really i had to write about it.

Demons.
Lots of Demons.
We all have them yet some of us never let them out until the time is too late or we have no control. I say, embrace them, otherwise you will be eaten alive by them.
My demon: I cant not stop taking Risks.

I met someone last week who seemed amazing.
Carefree, traveler, spontaneous, exciting, thrilling, exotic, sexual, Dominant, witty, arrogant, narcissistic, unruly, determined, energetic, playful, devious.
All the things I am.
Demons forced me to take the risk, swallow not only my pride and move to meet this person.
I did.
Amazing.
New side of the spectrum till....

He prolonged not enough to tell me that during one of his travels to another country he went through a phase, unlike any other I have heard of, that he found himself attracted to the same sex, but transvestite. He indulged in this and had "beef" about it.

I have to say. I cant judge a person I know nothing about by what they do. Its not seen in society as norm, but things like this happen. I'm not meeting someone and sizing them up on what kind of father they would be or how quickly I can jump in the sack with them,  based on their past experiences. We have all stepped over the boundaries at one point and never looked back.
The next line is what got me more than anything.

I have or "had" HPV. He says.


This is not the first time a man has been open with me on this subject.
I admire the fact of his honesty, but my doubt set in. Just like it did last time.
Am I ready to deal with something like that?
Take that kind of a risk?
I enjoy Risks, but I think this made me redefine my definition of "Risk".
When is too much Risk enough to make us step back and really focus on whats important?


I'm no cookie cutter gal, but I do find I have limits. Some Hard and yes, some Soft.
This was a limit for me.
Is it due to not enough information on the subject?
Is it due to society placing a "voodoo" on people that have had a form of  an STD?

I have really redefined myself this week.
Definitely had things put into perspective.


I read a blog today that had a perfect line in it.
It was a line like no other I have ever read, but it hit Home for me.
It summed up how I have been feeling but have not been able to put into words, until now.

"My Cunt is just Exhausted"....

Will someone please, just fuck my brain instead?

To be continued...

Day 19- 28 (The Dream 2 )

So it started out like any other dream.

Sitting in a Hooters with my ex husband, ordering too much than i knew i could eat. hooters?
Yes, Hooters


Hooters went to the El where we were riding and I noticed as you stood above me your zipper was open.
Any analysis of this would be nice.

Walking off the El down a street, just the two of us, crowded, there was a little black boy that made me nervous so i walked ahead, wearing black stilettos, have no idea why and you told me to slow down.

We passed, with the crowd under an aqua duck when I, just i came upon a set of train tracks.

i remember looking down at the tracks and seeing them. i remember looking to my left and seeing a train coming and police squads chasing it on either side.

A man.
A man with curly blond hair yelled at me "Watch out". it rang through my ears.
i wanted to pass over the tracks but felt indifferent, i stepped back and as i did someone was hit by the train.
Blood spattered everywhere. Everyone was doused in blood and flew back many a feet along with me.
I had blood on me. just a little. Just on my ankle. I screamed, than
I woke.
Dream over
Analysis please?


So living in the south loop has its perks.
i sit by my window at 2am, while the man i brought home walks across the street looking for contraceptives.
I watch the crowds gather outside the South loop club bar and wonder what there lives are like. What are they doing this weekend? What are they doing tonight?
I'm a people watcher.
I hate this quality about me, and still at times i find myself eating alone at lunch, sitting in a window seat just to be able to watch the people as they walk in front of me eating my sandwich at Freashi.
Whats to make of this?

Good night tonight.

I'm that girl that finds happiness in a 40 oz of some malt liquor and dance music coming from my stereo, decade? : 80's of course. George Michael, Heart anyone?

Good night tonight.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better....

Day 15, 16, 17, and so on

Today was a trip down memory lane.


Hung out in the old hood today. Not actually hood, Western and Armitage, Bucktown, Wicker Park. Remembering the good times. Red Hot hot dogs and the liquor store run that led to my house on late nights above the Bank. Last good memory i have in that house is of you.....Dance parties and good beer. I think you made me Mexican food once. one of those nights  you stayed with me like nothing else mattered.

Spent some time at the Maproom today. Lots of memories sitting at the bar, arguing with you, crying with you, kissing you as if no one cared. I remember the time I walked over there in the rain to meet you after the incident at the Christmas Party, that we never dare talk about again, and you never showed. I say there for 3 hrs reading the Red Eye, over and over till i memorized it. it wasn't pathetic, I just was in Love. and haven't been since. i remember the alley way with the heated garage where all i can remember is looking down at you as your face, in between my legs. All you wanted to do is make me happy. I think now, i should have done the same instead of asked so many questions. My questions, eventually, destroyed us.

This really has all been scattered in the back of my head for a long time, till now. I took the Western Blue line and remember the time i look the lineto meet you off Damen for the Wicker Park Fest where we drank at Nicks and had a good buzz on by 3pm. Miss that day. Hot as hell, but you never let go of my hand the whole time. I was yours that day...

For some reason, I thought of all you today. Well, i still think of you everyday, but not like before.

I remember the first time i met you. i still cant remember what my Life was like before that. Was i comfortable? Happy? Sad? Oblivious?
That first day/night was the best memory I have in Chicago. Ill never forget the boundaries I pushed. I can never forget sitting at that game, I knew you were a Big mistake, and a risky one, but I knew I didn't care. it was my time to let go. and yours as well.

All carefree until that fuckin Christmas party.

You know I only went to be with you, not "watch" you.  I wanted to be near you. I figured I could experience "strippers" with you, out of my element. But you were "out of my element" since the first day I met you. We had done so much up to that point that normal people don't do.

I really know I shouldn't, but i can not stop apologizing in my head over and over each day, on how bad i hurt you that night. I never meant for it to get out of hand like it did. I can say now after all this time,  i did nothing than be my insecure self. i never even thought of touching any other man other than you. When i said i loved you, I meant it. I did. I loved you......I was in love with you.

Remember sitting at Swig?
Remember the guy who brought you into realization that I was there. In that moment, for you.  I proclaimed my emotions, my heart and my Soul that night. I knew that was our turning point and that there was no going back after that. Things would never be the same. The uncomfortable comfortable just became uncomfortable.

I remember you driving me to my grandmothers funeral and wake. No one ever cared that much for me. I owed you everything that day. When you met my father. I felt at peace. The most important people in my life meeting at one point in time....It was a sign I was on the right path. Everything happens for a reason was proved that day.

Sometimes i wonder if i truly miss you, or just the person you made me into.
I miss your laugh and your carefree nature. Undoubtedly, your laugh.
I miss that we didn't care what other people thought and we could be ourselves. No one judged us. No one cared. they just knew we were happy. They were jealous. How couldn't they be? We were Perfect. Perfectly unstable.

Considering all the circumstances.


You have left me trapped. I try to return to who I was before i met you. But I cant. I'm at a wall. I'm uncomfortable around you now. I feel like I don't know "this you". I remember "him" and how to act around "him". The old you. I'm not sure of who you are now. This is who you were before you met me. The person I don't know. I'm scared of this person. This isn't the man who told me he loved me, this is the man who never knew me. I cant really explain it, and I hate it. I hate it because its not you.


I am not desperate.
I am not Lonely.
Just Alone

Day 12-14

Sit.
Heavier than it looks, isnt it?
If you could go back , would you do it all the same?
Im surprised to hear that. And Glad

Today you got a hard look behind the curtain.
Recoreing the natural order is not quite such fun,
when you have to mop up the mess.

This is hard for you.
You throw away your Life and assume it will bounce
right back into your lap.

The Human soul is not a rubber ball.
Its vulnerable.Inpermanent. But stronger than you know.
More vulnerable than you can imagine.

So?
I think you have learned something today.
We are done here.
Its been lovely.