Day 1

Day 1: May 13th, 2012 11:25PM

I had a realization today. I have not been myself. Things are going to change. For the better, of course....
No more writing on Love. Not that I don't believe in it, but its not the real Love we look for. Its Lust.
The kind of things we strive for to make us whole. Life. A path only I can choose, with or without those who want to come along. Its taking me 31 years to find myself, and I have been found.

today, honestly, I didn't spend it with my mother. I was lazy. pretending to convince myself I was sick, when only really it was the hangover from the 3 dirty martinis I had the night before. Oh, I really do hate lying. Its not me anymore. I just have a tendency to tell others what they want to hear and not what I need them to hear.

Spending most of the latter point of the day, wasted sleeping. Watching survivor, game of thrones and Girls. Yeah, I didn't even go out to enjoy this beautiful day. I didn't even once think to pick up the phone and call my mother, on top of having no problem responding to text messages from undeserving suitors. My true pathetic self came out today.

Last night, i spent it with my friend Brit. She's a crazy little lady I tell ya. Bigger heart than mine sometimes. I was in her room, watching her put herself together for our night out and she was dressing herself looking for something to wear. I tell ya, shes amazing inside and out. I wish she could only look in the mirror and see what I see. She dressed herself as we sang out loud to the Adele CD; it was quite charming. (All smiles). She tried on somethings that she mentioned an ex had bought for her. They were beautiful. That's when I started crying. It was self pity, I suppose, never having anything bought for me by any man. Yeah, I cried. Self loathing. But its true. and I started to wonder why.

Its not about the material aspect but just being that close to someone where they want to share everything with you, see you happy. I forgot what that felt like. I forgot what it felt to really be that close, mentally to someone. So I continued to cry. I laugh now, today because I have had opportunities like that, but I never was my true self long enough to enjoy those aspects.

And it made me realize.

I need to change. Everything....so its day 1....today I will start anew....

I can only imagine what would be in store tomorrow.

A End to all Ends

Heart beats fast.

Colors and promises.

How to be brave.

How can I love when I'm afraid?



To fall
To forget you?



But watching you stand alone



All of my doubt



Suddenly goes away somehow





One step closer
In another Lifetime






I have died everyday
waiting for you
don't be afraid
I have loved you for a,
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more.




Time stands still
beauty in all she is.



I will be brave.



I will not let anything,
Take away,
My Lifetime



What's standing in front of me,
In another Lifetime



Every breath,
Every hour has come to this.





And all along I believed,
I would find you
In another Lifetime



Time has brought,
Your heart to me.



And all along I believed
I would find you
In another Lifetime



Time has brought
You to me.
Not this Lifetime.


Till then....

Response to a "Mr. 50 Shades of Grey"

Dear Sir,


Ive have been thinking all morning of something clever. I normally aim to please, but I need to be frank first.



I am not your ordinary woman. I am not a submissive type. I am a working hard professional, independent and very aggressive. As you can tell,  I am not shy. Not one bit. I hold back on nothing. I am the aggressor. I am the the Dominant. I am always in control. I know what I want, what I like and will do anything to get my way. Now, now don't be turned off by this. I am not looking to play your role, I am looking to stop playing it. I for once want to satisfy my craving for "letting go" as some say. I am looking to be, for once, the submissive. I am tired of always being the one in control. I have everything I want in life, except fulfillment in my fantasies. This is my fantasy, to ones only, and I will do anything to achieve that.



I just want to let go.



Now, I can play this role, not because its suited for me in everyday life, but because I find my self sexual overwhelmed by letting go of the reins and leaving the control to another. I am aggressive in my sexual nature. I don't make love, I fuck. I want the aggression, I want to feel it in every fucking inch of my body. I want to be dominated, because this only, will satisfy me.



I am not one either to share my submissiveness with other sub-missives. I know you may frown upon this, but I say it not due to my experimentation in threesomes, but because when I am being fucked, I want all the attention. I do not like to share, therefore I will not.



I am willing to explore all possibilities in this nature with you. I can promise I do not disappoint, but I will not go out of my way to prove my passion, because I know you will not be disappointed.



Now I have my hard limits and my soft limits. I will not take part in anything anally, or any type of fisting. Besides that being said. I am open to ANYTHING else. I am also open to taking my punishment for not pleasing you in whole. I think we all should be punished for not pleasuring correctly. Dont you agree?



 I want to save bedroom manner for the bedroom. I am an exhibitionist. I like to take the risk and I don't mind if I am caught. I enjoy being taken advantage of and being used to where I can not even walk the next day. I enjoy touch, light or hard and will never say stop. (although, I do believe in "safe" words as an option if you don't mind)



Now if all of this has kept you intrigued, even wondering anything about me; I'd be glad to hear back from you. If not, good luck in your endevours. But, if you choose to play...you know where to find me Sir.



Till then,

In Another Life...

In another life
I would make you stay
So I don't have to say
You were the one that got away
 
In another life
We'd keep all our promises
Be us against the world


Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
And it's peaceful in the deep,
Cathedral where you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under.


Found the place to rest my head.
End Scene....







Dont cry baby

This is how the story went

I met someone by accident
Who blew me away
Blew me away

And It was in the darkest of my days
When you took my sorrow and you took my pain
And buried them away with yours.


I wish I could lay down beside you
When the day is done
And wake up to your face against the morning sun
But like everything I've ever known
You'll disappear one day
So I'll spend my whole life hiding my heart away
becasue that is the way it is intended.


Woke up feeling heavy hearted
I'm going back to where I started
The morning rain.
Its been raining here for days.
Someone is crying

It isnt me

Smiles

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any sins
I had no idea of the state we were in.



I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head.


When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?


Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece.

Hard Enough

You let me into your life on a whim
And there was magic and fire in the night
In loving I was just a little girl
I made mistakes that caused you so much pain
All I know is that I'm older now

Some people think that it's best to refrain from the conventions of old-fashioned lust
Their hearts are filled with holes and emptiness
They tell themselves that they're too young to settle down

And this has been hard enough on you
I know it's been hard enough on me
Been telling myself that I can roll with the changes

And when the water gets high above your head
Darling don't you see,
While this has been hard enough on you
It's been hard enough on me


I wasn't looking when we built these walls
Let me spread my dreams at your feet
Let’s not let time’s bitter flood rise
Before my thoughts begin to run


Can't stand the thought of another, talking to you
Where would I be tonight if you hadn't held me here, in your arms?