(My heart cries for you)
(Sighs for you, dies for you)
(And my arms long for you)
Even if it Leads Nowhere

Last night I had the strangest dream
I'd ever dreamed before
I dreamed the world had all agreed
To put an end to our war

I dreamed I saw a mighty room
Filled with women and men
And the paper they were signing said
They'd never fight again

And when the paper was all signed
And a million copies made
They all joined hands and bowed their heads
And grateful pray'rs were prayed

And the people in the streets below
Were dancing 'round and 'round
While swords and guns and uniforms
Were scattered on the ground

I am going to start Giving Up instead of Giving in
I can not do this anymore.....
I am Sorry.
I was expecting an outcome that does not exist.
How could i have done this to you?
How could I have done this to Myself?

Time to Wake Up
The World Is Changing..
I am Changing...

When the Heart Breaks; it Bleeds...

The Built Up Anger....Released.

Her Perspective

"He told me he Loved Me. He told me that when He was going out It was just to hang out with his friends and do "Man" things. He Told Me that He would show me this City because i am from a Foreign Country Far Far Away and I am unaware of all the possibilities America can offer. I come Home everyday from work at the same time, same moment and all we do is fight. If its not fighting , its ignorance. He makes me Dinner. Cuban Sometimes and I still feel like he is "interested" in other things and his mind is elsewhere. I wonder who she is. I wonder why she makes Him Happy and i can't. Is it her beauty? Is it Her Mind? I wonder if she looks like me. I wonder if she knows about me. I wonder if she would even care. I wonder if He tells Her what He tells Me. I wonder what the color of her eyes are? I wonder what she smells like after she sweats? I wonder if she can place her legs over his head like I can. I wonder if she Hates him as much as I do. I wonder if she cries when she cums. I wonder if she touches herself in the shower? I wonder if He has spent the night with her more than once. I wonder when he is going to Leave me for her. I wonder if He sees that I see through His Bullshit. I wonder if She thinks of me."

My Perspective.

"He Told Me He Loved me this Weekend. I said Ditto. I had a moment. I thought that was what he wanted to Hear. What was I thinking? I wasn't Again, not thinking. Speaking before I speak. He tells me he is unhappy with you. He says all you do is fight. Him and I have never fought. I must tell you; I am falling. Falling hard. I am looking for a distraction as I sit and write this and the wind reminds me that he is a Red Flag. I am sitting all alone inside in my Head. Do you know how much time has past? We spend every other night together but once he leaves I am writing to my other "distraction". I have ever right to have a distraction, right? Don't you agree? Its not you. It's me. I wonder why He tells me how he fells about me and to never doubt him but all i can think about is you. The other Woman. I envy you. I am sorry it had to happen like this. I am sorry I make him happy and you don't. Its just another Day, right? I have a voice and a right to make a choice out of all of this. I Doubt him as much as you do, do not question that. I Doubt his Truth. I am though, uncomfortably Comfortable around him. His words not mine. Something you are not. He was meant to be with me, not you. You see it. He sees it. I get Lost in his Misery. Is that wrong? Is it wrong to feel this way? I am not waiting for Him. I have waited almost 30 years to meet him and i am not going to wait another 30. Heaven Help us if I fade away. I am bringing excitement back into your relationship? You can Thank me one Day. I already asked him for an invite to your Wedding. I always wanted to give you something for taking away your time with him. I must tell you though, I think I might Love Him. I would definitely Love him more, if you were not there. But Life is what it Is, Complicated. Correct? My Heart is Breaking"

All My Love, The Other Woman.

Life is about Mistakes Correct? Or is it about Regrets?
Where do we go from here?

Hey you, say you
Wanna start over again
Like I ever wanted it
To be any different
I've been watching all your colours fade
To blue

Said you'd come back
Like I wanted you.
Stop pretending everything's alright

Oh, baby blue,
C'mere I'm smear another colour over you
Get outta bed you little sleepy head
Your black and white needs a little bit of red,

Couldn't handle
Pressure life had put'chu through
Thought you mighta bit a litte more than you could chew
No, I don't believe it when you say,
I will make up to you.
Said you'd come back,
Didn't want you too.
Still pretending everything's alright

You're living in a hospital,
Everyone else is belly's full.
Your eyes are open windows for the truth.

I'm scared you're gonna leave us here.
Sweet baby you've made so much clear,
To me your songs are written on the roof.

Maybe you're just a daydream.
Taken out of my window panes.
Making sure everything is just alright.

Maybe you're just a make believe.
A story that I like to read.
Torn from all the pages of my life.

I'm heavy weighing down it's true.
But someone's got to try and prove.
The truth I think that maybe someone's you.

You're one of a kind, stuck on my mind.
Trying so hard just to be fine.
Heaven help us if you fade away.

I wanna give you mine.
I wanna give you something.

He asked me if I wanted the Shocker. I in turn responded: Let me give you one......Personal Quote

Your Date:
I was freaking;! I had 30 minutes to get ready and all I kept thinking about was "What the Fuck Do I wear"? I can't let him see me like this. Fuck! OK, Fine. Skinny Jeans, and T-shirt tonight. I'll try to accent it with some jewelery? Fuck why did I wait so long to get ready. Damn Internet! This is what happens when you sit on Facebook for most of the day, right. Silly me. Checklist. Shower? Done. Makeup? Done. Bed Made? Done. Shoes? Where are my Fuckin shoes. Sandals it is. Buzzer Rings. My dogs are going Crazy. Why are they so fuckin stupid. Fuck, I need a cigarette. Might as well.....Cabbie tells me to forget about and throw out my smoke. Great beginning to my night. Where to? I have no idea. I frantically check my phone for the address. Washington and Wells. Take me there. Why the Fuck is he talking on the phone...?? Fuckin Cab Drivers. I am sweating. The tension is building up and making my Left eye twitch. I should have worn a skirt. Silly Girl. I should have smoked some pot before I left. Fuckin Idiot....

We meet. He's cute. I bet he is starring at my legs. Dick. They are just shoes Man. Dinner was nice. A quite little spot in the City. WE had a few drinks. Not too much, I didn't want to get all flussie. As we sat across from each other he spoke of his work, sports, more on his work and more Sports. Never once asking me about myself. Do i look that bad that you might not be interested? Yeah, you are probably right. I am a little pale. After dinner we headed across the street to a little bar and had a few more glasses of wine. he was looking more attractive, mind you the boring words coming out of his mouth.All i wanted to do was kiss him but i didn't want to be the first one to make a move. It was awkward enough. After finishing the wine he asked me if i wanted to join him back at his place. I froze and told him I had to get up early the next morning for an interview. i am such a bad Liar. We paid the tab and left. He gradually walked me to a cab and went in for a Kiss and i turned my cheek. Fool. oh well, don;t want to come off too Easy. The cab ride home was a collection of the events hours prior. Maybe next time would be better? i wonder if he calls. Entering my home, I close my door and gently lay my head on my pillow and dream the night away. Fuck; I should check my email.........


What Really Happened:
I had time before my Date. I actually went for a walk about 30 minutes before actually preparing myself for the Evening. I was not really in a rush. I am not one to "work" it so much beforehand. I take it Naturally. I dropped on my bed. Thinking of my next writing adventure. Oh Fuck: What to wear tonight? Heels, definitely Heels. I stepped in front of the mirror and glanced at my reflection. Sweetly feminine? Yes. I was running behind so I had to skip a lot of things. A shower was not one of them. Its complete downtime for me. I wouldn't miss it for the world. I picked out something Red. I look great in Red, my Mother always said. The thin material clung to my body, gracefully accenting my feminine curves. I slid my fingers down the open V-neckline, which fastened at the waist with two buttons ... the rosy tips of my breasts dimpling the fabric. Ah, seductive! Dabbing a little perfume on my body, inhaling deeply to absorb the exotic fragrance. I set my wallet and lipstick in my hand-wallet, beaded with pearls. I strung a single strand of silken pearls around my slender throat, as I slid my feet into Heaven: Black, high-heeled Stilettos. The buzzer rang. My Cab was Here. I started for the front door, and stepped into the evening breeze. Think I can catch a smoke before we take off, I asked my Cabbie. Get in here said. Yes, Sir! We exchanged smiles.

We met. He was handsome. A little Boyish grin ran across his face. He was Shy. I like you Red. The dress I assumed. I told him I preferred Black but I didn't give much thought into my wardrobe tonight. He laughed as if i was being sarcastic. Too bad for him, I wasn't. We walked down a street where we passed a little shop. Do you mind? There it was. A perfect little Black dress. I wanted it. Bad. Not for him to see, but for me.

I nervously twirled my ash-Blondie hair around my fingers, accented with long nails and red nail polish. Glancing down at the Black, silk dress, sighing to myself. The thin fabric delicately graced the curves of my tall, thin body. The deep V-neckline, open to the waist at the front, revealed the creamy smoothness of my soft and delicate breasts, straining against the fabric. I had better Plans tomorrow ... I had to buy this dress. I bought it. I changed there in the store. Black was always one of my favorite colors. Stepping outside the store I could help but him noticing me. I could tell what he was thinking. I sure hope he could see what I was. Upon entering the Cab on our way to Dinner, he slightly placed his hand on my leg. Nice shoes he said. I know. Before stopping the cab and gradually before his hand went any further down my leg, we exited. Dinner Time. We sat across from each other at a little table in the corner of this authentic Gem in the City. No candlelight. The way I prefer. It was refreshing. We talked of the day; the weather; the World. He was more of a Sports fan, so I let him entertain me with his love of the White Sox and how they were ending up so far this year. I nodded; I tried to act like I was paying attention, but I had other things on my mind. I don't know if it was the fact we were sitting in a corner table across from each other, or the darkness of the room around us, but as he Spoke drastically about Chicago Love for Baseball, I gently placed my hand under my new dress and slowly, one leg after another, worked my way out of my thong. He stopped mid sentence and asked me" Don't you think people are watching?" with a grin of course. I said " Do you mind? No, was his Answer. "If you don't mind why would they?" He was frantically nervous the rest of the night. He was slurring his words. In a mid conversation about me discussing that I can't discuss what I do for a living, he stopped me and said. "Did you serious really do that?" I didn't speak. I just passed my garments under the table to him. "Good answer" he said. After Dinner is when we drink. We drink a lot. Especially if we are not planning on going home alone. Since I didn't masturbate before I left for the evening, I was aching. You know that feeling. That aching pain that pinches in between your legs when you starve yourself of what it really needs. He was an accessory. A meaningless accessory. He would do, I suppose. I thought many times that night iIcould just go home alone and finish this, but where would the fun be in that?

It was a quarter past 3 and he was a little tipsy. More then me. The cab ride to my house was fun. But inside would be worth writing about.

I have new appreciation for the one-person-naked-and-the-other-person-dressed sex scenario. I wasn't ready to take this new Dress off yet.
Somehow in the process of him laying naked on my Bed and me sitting in my Chair across from him at the other end of the room, smoking my cigarette, he let his hands get the better of him and he ended up making exceedingly good use of all that pent up sexual energy I had been generating all night. A favourite erotic moment. I was insanely randy. The orgasms came really quickly as I sat there in my Chair, watching him, but the disappointment over the speed of attaining them was dulled by the sexy intensity and sensuality of it all. He got me off something fierce. And something soft. And something rough. And something kinky. And something perfect. A bunch of times. Devil's Toy. Not once did I have to Touch him. I spent years thinking of sex as a reward for when things are good. Not a release when things are not so good. And now, it's everything. It celebrates the great, heals the bad, nurses the worries, remedies the cramps, distracts from the headaches, confirms the absurd, makes a brilliant mockery of everything that weighs my heart down. But mostly just carries me away.

I had to make him Leave. I was setting him up for failure. How could I have resisted though. He made it Too Easy. That's why...
Now the dress comes off. Its all I have Left for the evening. The shoes though; I slept in My Stilettos that night. They make me Smile. I fell asleep in my Chair across from my Bed. The Bed scares me. I kept the door open that night to my Room. You should have seen it...

I can not leave my Bed Today. I am Dying. No, really; so are you. The Rain has stopped and the Sun is peaking through. It is so damn Hot in this Bed. I am weak in the knees but I will stand if you want me to. If you ask me once more. But I warn you. A Storm is Coming. My legs are strong and I can Move on, but know I am weak. Weak for You. Would you mind if I pretended if we were somewhere else doing something we wanted to. All this living makes me want to Die. Would you mind if i pretended I was someone else? Someone with Courage in Love and War. I use to think that was all I was but all this lying hurts too much and I don't know what for. Would you mind if I got Drunk and said I want to take you home to Bed, would you change your mind? would you still want me to Stand? Nobody knows where the hell I've been. I am going to make a fool of myself again. Keep on getting stuck up in the same old scene
Baby why'd you have to go and be so mean? Baby, why did you have to make me Stand? I can feel you digging that knife deeper into my back...I don't believe in praying on your knees. Just let me leave. I'm over the fantasy. No, not really. Smiles. No i am. No, she Is. Smiles. Not.

If your radio didn't work and your friends all ran away would you let yourself fall in love if only for this one day? are you one of the ones who decides first off
and would you let me touch your face if I decided not to decide at all, could I be the empty space? darling let me touch your face. let your skin be my hiding place
I promise I won't take up too much room. let your eyes fall. forever isn't far...
it's coming soon. what do you think you're made of? you're always watching and waiting while everyone else's heart is breaking. what are you so afraid of?

Let us find something to do.

Follow Through...

The Sun is about to Set on this Night
My Smoke is on its Last Puff....
I drempt of You Last Night
I Sent you some Words. You declined.
I wanted to send you much more but you are mysterious. Yet undefined.
let's pretend that we have colds and lie in bed and wear our robes
around the house and reading basement books of old and dusty words of
stories told about somewhere else no one else. I can see the seams that saw
the air into our dreams when we are young because we are oh i can't take
your breath away but ill show you a brand new way with brand new love oh i can't
mend your wounded heart but i'll give you a brand new start let's pretend we never lie and tell our truths and then let's cry real tears this time we'll stain our lips with the colour of wine and then we kiss and everything is fine again it's cold outside but we are warm inside each other we are born oh jesus christ we are