My Peace.

I saw you screaming and no one could hear...

You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important that without them you feel like nothing.

No one will ever understand how much it hurts.

You feel hopeless;

like nothing can save you.

And when its over and gone;

you almost wish you could have all that bad stuff back, so you could have the good.

Breathe.

Breathe your smoke into my lungs,

In the back of a car with you I stare into the sun,

Still not too old to die young,

But lovers hold on to everything,

And Others hold on to anything

Strangers.

HER:

All along it was a fever

A cold sweat hot-headed believer

I threw my hands in the air, said, "Show me something,"

He said, "If you dare come a little closer."

Not really sure how to feel about it.

Something in the way you move

Makes me feel like I can't live without you.

It takes me all the way.......

HIM:

It's not much of a life you're living

It's not just something you take – it's given

The reason I hold on? :I need this hole gone

Funny you're the broken one but I'm the only one who needed saving

When you never see the light it's hard to know which one of us is caving

A New Beginning

Its been areally long time.....somewhere inbetween Love and Heartbreak I lost myself.....till now. Enjoy



You trembled like you'd seen a ghost and I gave in.

I lack the things you need the most, you said where have you been?
You wasted all that sweetness to run and hide,
I wonder why?
I remind you of the days you poured your heart into,
but you never tried.

I've fallen from grace:
took a blow to my face

I've loved and I've lost.....


Explosions...on the day you finally wake up
needing somebody and you've learned,
it's okay to be afraid
but remember, it will never be the same.

You left my soul bleeding in the dark,
so you could be king.
The rules you set are still untold to me and I lost my faith in everything.
The nights you could cope, your intentions were gold,
but the mountains will shake.
I need to know that,
I can still make Explosions.


And as the floods move in,

and your body starts to sink:
I was the last thing on your mind,
It's simple.
I did give you a warning.
Now everything you own is falling from the sky in pieces:
so watch them fall with you, in slow motion.
I pray that you will find peace of mind,
and I'll find you another time.

I'll love you, another time

Found

And the heart is hard to translate, 

It has a language of it's own, 

It talks and tongues and quiet sighs and prayers and proclamations, 

In the grand days of great men and the smallest of gestures, 

In short shallow gasps.

But with all my education, 

I can't seem to commend it, 

And the words are all escaping me, 

And coming back all damaged, 

And I would put them back in poetry, 

If I only knew how, 

I can't seem to understand it

And I would give all this and heaven too, 

I would give it all if only for a moment, 

That I could just understand the meaning of the word you see, 

it never makes sense to me at all.

And it talks to me in tiptoes, 

And sings to me inside, 

It cries out in the darkest night, 

And breaks in the morning.

[

No, words are a language, 

It doesn't deserve such treatment, 

And all my stumbling phrases, 

Never amounted to anything worth this feeling, 

All this heaven, 

Never could describe such a feeling as I'm having, 

Words were never so useful, 

So I was screaming out a language that I never knew existed before.

THE END

Orgasm

The brain explodes.

The body tightens all around.

The anticipation of prolonging.

Placing the mind in a situation that could one day exist

to capture only a few seconds of complete bliss.

Stepping out of this world

into another for just one brief moment.

Sighs

Oh, the possibilities of achieving utter satisfaction.

Warm breaths on my skin.

Touch

Release.

The day has turned to night

the smells are enhanced

the sensations are pure

Into disparate slivers of light,

that weave into an aura,

Like a thunderstorm in the body

With both violence and serenity,

Stretching seconds into eternity,
And draining it,

Of far more than the spilled fluids,

Around gently pulsating flesh



Commitment

Its the way sometimes

I want to be nourished by you,

but please

don't forget to let me be hungry.

Its the way that you let me loose in you

to nose around

without a map or a compass,

and grow frightened in the ways I get lost in you.

Or the way I want to be a kid with you,

dam up your liquids with mud and leaves

into puddles of summer storms

so I can drink freely from you

until you

must

have

release,

and break my seam and flood into me.

Or how I sometimes want to be

still with you

all through my dreams,

until you wake me to lift the weight

of gray sunday from my waist.

And just when you thought it was safe to stop coming,

let it begin again.



I'm over counting the Days

What is it with the people in this City?

Is it the people or just the people I choose to associate with?
 I feel like my mind sometimes takes a back seat when it comes to the descions I make.

I meet people everyday.
Fascinating folk they are.
Everyday, someone new.
Same ol story.
This week though, I had an experience I will never forget.

I'm not here putting people on Blast, but really i had to write about it.

Demons.
Lots of Demons.
We all have them yet some of us never let them out until the time is too late or we have no control. I say, embrace them, otherwise you will be eaten alive by them.
My demon: I cant not stop taking Risks.

I met someone last week who seemed amazing.
Carefree, traveler, spontaneous, exciting, thrilling, exotic, sexual, Dominant, witty, arrogant, narcissistic, unruly, determined, energetic, playful, devious.
All the things I am.
Demons forced me to take the risk, swallow not only my pride and move to meet this person.
I did.
Amazing.
New side of the spectrum till....

He prolonged not enough to tell me that during one of his travels to another country he went through a phase, unlike any other I have heard of, that he found himself attracted to the same sex, but transvestite. He indulged in this and had "beef" about it.

I have to say. I cant judge a person I know nothing about by what they do. Its not seen in society as norm, but things like this happen. I'm not meeting someone and sizing them up on what kind of father they would be or how quickly I can jump in the sack with them,  based on their past experiences. We have all stepped over the boundaries at one point and never looked back.
The next line is what got me more than anything.

I have or "had" HPV. He says.


This is not the first time a man has been open with me on this subject.
I admire the fact of his honesty, but my doubt set in. Just like it did last time.
Am I ready to deal with something like that?
Take that kind of a risk?
I enjoy Risks, but I think this made me redefine my definition of "Risk".
When is too much Risk enough to make us step back and really focus on whats important?


I'm no cookie cutter gal, but I do find I have limits. Some Hard and yes, some Soft.
This was a limit for me.
Is it due to not enough information on the subject?
Is it due to society placing a "voodoo" on people that have had a form of  an STD?

I have really redefined myself this week.
Definitely had things put into perspective.


I read a blog today that had a perfect line in it.
It was a line like no other I have ever read, but it hit Home for me.
It summed up how I have been feeling but have not been able to put into words, until now.

"My Cunt is just Exhausted"....

Will someone please, just fuck my brain instead?

To be continued...

Day 19- 28 (The Dream 2 )

So it started out like any other dream.

Sitting in a Hooters with my ex husband, ordering too much than i knew i could eat. hooters?
Yes, Hooters


Hooters went to the El where we were riding and I noticed as you stood above me your zipper was open.
Any analysis of this would be nice.

Walking off the El down a street, just the two of us, crowded, there was a little black boy that made me nervous so i walked ahead, wearing black stilettos, have no idea why and you told me to slow down.

We passed, with the crowd under an aqua duck when I, just i came upon a set of train tracks.

i remember looking down at the tracks and seeing them. i remember looking to my left and seeing a train coming and police squads chasing it on either side.

A man.
A man with curly blond hair yelled at me "Watch out". it rang through my ears.
i wanted to pass over the tracks but felt indifferent, i stepped back and as i did someone was hit by the train.
Blood spattered everywhere. Everyone was doused in blood and flew back many a feet along with me.
I had blood on me. just a little. Just on my ankle. I screamed, than
I woke.
Dream over
Analysis please?


So living in the south loop has its perks.
i sit by my window at 2am, while the man i brought home walks across the street looking for contraceptives.
I watch the crowds gather outside the South loop club bar and wonder what there lives are like. What are they doing this weekend? What are they doing tonight?
I'm a people watcher.
I hate this quality about me, and still at times i find myself eating alone at lunch, sitting in a window seat just to be able to watch the people as they walk in front of me eating my sandwich at Freashi.
Whats to make of this?

Good night tonight.

I'm that girl that finds happiness in a 40 oz of some malt liquor and dance music coming from my stereo, decade? : 80's of course. George Michael, Heart anyone?

Good night tonight.
Hopefully tomorrow will be better....

Day 15, 16, 17, and so on

Today was a trip down memory lane.


Hung out in the old hood today. Not actually hood, Western and Armitage, Bucktown, Wicker Park. Remembering the good times. Red Hot hot dogs and the liquor store run that led to my house on late nights above the Bank. Last good memory i have in that house is of you.....Dance parties and good beer. I think you made me Mexican food once. one of those nights  you stayed with me like nothing else mattered.

Spent some time at the Maproom today. Lots of memories sitting at the bar, arguing with you, crying with you, kissing you as if no one cared. I remember the time I walked over there in the rain to meet you after the incident at the Christmas Party, that we never dare talk about again, and you never showed. I say there for 3 hrs reading the Red Eye, over and over till i memorized it. it wasn't pathetic, I just was in Love. and haven't been since. i remember the alley way with the heated garage where all i can remember is looking down at you as your face, in between my legs. All you wanted to do is make me happy. I think now, i should have done the same instead of asked so many questions. My questions, eventually, destroyed us.

This really has all been scattered in the back of my head for a long time, till now. I took the Western Blue line and remember the time i look the lineto meet you off Damen for the Wicker Park Fest where we drank at Nicks and had a good buzz on by 3pm. Miss that day. Hot as hell, but you never let go of my hand the whole time. I was yours that day...

For some reason, I thought of all you today. Well, i still think of you everyday, but not like before.

I remember the first time i met you. i still cant remember what my Life was like before that. Was i comfortable? Happy? Sad? Oblivious?
That first day/night was the best memory I have in Chicago. Ill never forget the boundaries I pushed. I can never forget sitting at that game, I knew you were a Big mistake, and a risky one, but I knew I didn't care. it was my time to let go. and yours as well.

All carefree until that fuckin Christmas party.

You know I only went to be with you, not "watch" you.  I wanted to be near you. I figured I could experience "strippers" with you, out of my element. But you were "out of my element" since the first day I met you. We had done so much up to that point that normal people don't do.

I really know I shouldn't, but i can not stop apologizing in my head over and over each day, on how bad i hurt you that night. I never meant for it to get out of hand like it did. I can say now after all this time,  i did nothing than be my insecure self. i never even thought of touching any other man other than you. When i said i loved you, I meant it. I did. I loved you......I was in love with you.

Remember sitting at Swig?
Remember the guy who brought you into realization that I was there. In that moment, for you.  I proclaimed my emotions, my heart and my Soul that night. I knew that was our turning point and that there was no going back after that. Things would never be the same. The uncomfortable comfortable just became uncomfortable.

I remember you driving me to my grandmothers funeral and wake. No one ever cared that much for me. I owed you everything that day. When you met my father. I felt at peace. The most important people in my life meeting at one point in time....It was a sign I was on the right path. Everything happens for a reason was proved that day.

Sometimes i wonder if i truly miss you, or just the person you made me into.
I miss your laugh and your carefree nature. Undoubtedly, your laugh.
I miss that we didn't care what other people thought and we could be ourselves. No one judged us. No one cared. they just knew we were happy. They were jealous. How couldn't they be? We were Perfect. Perfectly unstable.

Considering all the circumstances.


You have left me trapped. I try to return to who I was before i met you. But I cant. I'm at a wall. I'm uncomfortable around you now. I feel like I don't know "this you". I remember "him" and how to act around "him". The old you. I'm not sure of who you are now. This is who you were before you met me. The person I don't know. I'm scared of this person. This isn't the man who told me he loved me, this is the man who never knew me. I cant really explain it, and I hate it. I hate it because its not you.


I am not desperate.
I am not Lonely.
Just Alone

Day 12-14

Sit.
Heavier than it looks, isnt it?
If you could go back , would you do it all the same?
Im surprised to hear that. And Glad

Today you got a hard look behind the curtain.
Recoreing the natural order is not quite such fun,
when you have to mop up the mess.

This is hard for you.
You throw away your Life and assume it will bounce
right back into your lap.

The Human soul is not a rubber ball.
Its vulnerable.Inpermanent. But stronger than you know.
More vulnerable than you can imagine.

So?
I think you have learned something today.
We are done here.
Its been lovely.

day 11

To a good weekend. and an early Friday....

The Time has come. Be real. Embrace the weekend. Embrace the holiday.
I'm full of Holidays

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TS9_ipu9GKw

Day 10

Day 10-----

Sighs.

Long week so far. Tons going on.

Nothing real exciting going on in reality. I am finding it hard to write on here, hoping it doesn't possess me to not write. I have a lot going on in the mind.

I cant wait to see my Father. Maybe he can sort some of this out.

Going away this weekend. Every time i make up my mind to head to the burbs to visit the family, that I miss so much, I contemplate all the talk and conversations i have to have with my mother.

:Are you coming alone?
Is it that hard for you to date Kimberly?
are you a lesbian?
Doesn't it hurt to not be able to share your time with someone?
Hows work dear?


Its like Christmas all over again, every year, running into the bathroom upstairs, sitting on the floor, balling my eyes out bc I am alone.

I'm not lonely, just Alone.

So i started up a Linkedin account the other day and i get a message from my first Love. His name was Jim Iles. He was the kindest man I had ever met. Such a gentleman, such loyalty. It was the first time my heart fell and he rose to claim it. He is married now with a 4years old. That makes me smile. It has its purpose. He completes the cycle of all my ex lovers that are happy now, either married, children or something better.
He was the beginning of my end. It was the first and not the last time i let something good go without regret.  It was a cycle that i would never break...
Till now.

I'm holding onto a lot of regrets lately. Questioning my actions over the past 15 years. Was it all for some cosmic purpose? Is this where I am suppose to be? Am i really happy? Whats so important that everyone else can find the true meaning to Life and I am stuck here still, pouring out my heart over instant messenger? ha, no one is a romantic like myself. (makes me smile) Maybe this is my real Life, my reality. Maybe i am just looking for some superficial meaning to all this when really all the answers are here already. Why does being a single woman in a big city so difficult.

The grass is not greener on the other side, but the other side has potential. And potential can lead to many more colors than just Green.

I tried my Best.

Did I mention that I cant wait to see my dad again?
Yeah, well I am...

Day 8-9

Patience is a Virtue.....

So I will wait.
And Walk.

Day 4 through 7

WED: Nothing really happened Wed besides getting my ass handed to me again in tennis. Taking on this new hobby is exhilarating. No really. Never felt better. Im liking this change...

THURS: Work. Sleep. Eat. Garbage...oh wait. Had lunch at El Cid with my Dirtbag, AKA Beth. Was really nice to see her. Its been a long time, feels like forever since. She informed me she is doing well and happy in her life. Shes buying a house with a man she has been dating. Just really, honestly, so happy for her. Tragic life can turn into something beautiful with the right amount of patience and time.
I admit, i was jealous. But it will happen. Im not worried.
I was sad too, I feel like I am really loosing her the farther she moves away. I know its not true, just politics. All my love....

FRI: Today was a good day. A great day actually. So the NATO conference and practically placed me prisioner in my own home. There was a security guard who is monitoring my building 24/7.
Rules: No deliveries. No guests.
Not going to stop me of course.

Today was good. Work went quick and the weekend has arrived.

I came home and reconnected with an old friend. his name is Jamie. He just had another baby, kinda jealous. Not going to lie.

Drinks with Jimmy. Ha, weirdest thing happened. we were sitting outside having a cold one and a butterfly, get this, just landed on him. I know its not fascinating, but it was simple. Simple and perfect. Its a sign.

Ha, then the night ended with dancing and good friends. I couldn't have asked for anything better. i missed this. I missed just being me, simple. No worries. The warm night air. Reconnecting. No regrets. Just pure bliss. Its been a long time since I felt that. I hope to feel it again.

SAT: TENNIS!!!! DOG PARK!!! Police on every corner. Prison in my own city! LOL. Heading out to the burbs tonight to enjoy yet again another free evening. Enjoying the weather, eating Subway and smiling!

SAT: ie, So, I have really started to enjoy my weekends off. No more bar tending EVER> I'm giving up working in an industry that left me 10 years ago. To think I have been chasing this career? So much time wasted. So many useless memories. Eh, ok i admit it; I have regrets. Dont we all?


"So far away but still so near....."

Day 3

I am so sore....i got my ass whooped! LOL Day 4 shows promise.

Day 3: 9:58pm

Ming Choy and Riesling tonight on a roof deck. Then the rain came.

The conversations we have are amazing on the roof deck, us two. I miss her.
She always knows what to say. She tells me to seek out my soul mate. I told her no, no, he is gone for now. My heart falls and no one came to claim it. She laughed. My hands they re Strong but my knees were far too weak to be myself. That's how i lost him. that's how i fell to my feet. There was a side to me he never knew, things I said, games I played that were never true. I missed my chance. 13 years later.
Sharing my fondest memories with you, to her, she again, laughed. "one day........" Never true.

My life is changing very soon. Moving again in a few months. I can not wait to start my new Home. I'm still thinking of ways to scream out to my landlord I'm moving. I'm about to burst. Im scared of moving again in with someone, but this place here, it has memories, I want to forget.

Had another laser treatment today. This time, I cried. The pain was unbearable but i will never tell anyone that. I don't cry. 6  more treatments and hopefully we will be in the clear.

I was walking home from the treatment today, walking around in a sundress with a huge bandage on and i was sad. I walked by a little girl and her father. Adele, again on the play list playing in my ears ....Ah, Adele, you filthy whore.

I received a smile.
This little girl looked at me as if I was an Angel, or had one on my shoulder. Made my day. Fuck it, it made my week.....

Day 2

Day 2: May 14th, 2012 8:28am

So for some reason I woke up super early this morning, way before the alarm. Justifying the fact why I am sitting here writing so early.

Wow, my blog from last night got a lot of responses.
Don't worry people, I am OK.
Remember never pity.
A girl just has some thought and writing them out, with whatever way they come across on a page, is just a release. Its better sometimes to release the emotion instead of holding it all on my shoulders.
I am OK. Promise.

I'm off to work. Got to love a 5 minute walk!! And yes, I will enjoy the weather today.....!


Day 2: 1:28pm

So I'm deciding since it is nice out today to go get a pedicure. yeah i could be joining the rest of the crew for lunch and drinks, but i think I'm past that. I seem to be only hanging out with past lovers or overdue ones lately so.... Tennis later tonight with Brit at Grant Park and maybe some Chinese food somewhere in between. Now the pedicure....What is it?

So I met a man once that told me a woman's nails and toenails should always match. Color wise that is. What is it about matching nails? Erotic?? I kinda see the point but not really. Are men really looking at our feet anyways....? Most of them really despise feet actually. Its in our heads. We women think we need to "up" to impress. Honestly, its about the mind, not really the color i choose to paint my nails, but the process of me wanting to keep myself well maintained? Is it even possible to be "well-maintained" in this City?

Besides that, I quit today. Smoking that is. Yeah, would you have ever guessed? Not a lady like me, huh? LOL. I have tattoos also but no one seems to believe me until I tell them. No really, it was time. Its not really the health issue, OK, it was, but I'm just basically over it. I had no reason to be doing it. I use to  think it was a stress reliever , that was until I found batteries. :) Lets see how long this one last. Yet again, another first for Ms. Bennett.

I'll keep you posted on the tennis....

Day 1

Day 1: May 13th, 2012 11:25PM

I had a realization today. I have not been myself. Things are going to change. For the better, of course....
No more writing on Love. Not that I don't believe in it, but its not the real Love we look for. Its Lust.
The kind of things we strive for to make us whole. Life. A path only I can choose, with or without those who want to come along. Its taking me 31 years to find myself, and I have been found.

today, honestly, I didn't spend it with my mother. I was lazy. pretending to convince myself I was sick, when only really it was the hangover from the 3 dirty martinis I had the night before. Oh, I really do hate lying. Its not me anymore. I just have a tendency to tell others what they want to hear and not what I need them to hear.

Spending most of the latter point of the day, wasted sleeping. Watching survivor, game of thrones and Girls. Yeah, I didn't even go out to enjoy this beautiful day. I didn't even once think to pick up the phone and call my mother, on top of having no problem responding to text messages from undeserving suitors. My true pathetic self came out today.

Last night, i spent it with my friend Brit. She's a crazy little lady I tell ya. Bigger heart than mine sometimes. I was in her room, watching her put herself together for our night out and she was dressing herself looking for something to wear. I tell ya, shes amazing inside and out. I wish she could only look in the mirror and see what I see. She dressed herself as we sang out loud to the Adele CD; it was quite charming. (All smiles). She tried on somethings that she mentioned an ex had bought for her. They were beautiful. That's when I started crying. It was self pity, I suppose, never having anything bought for me by any man. Yeah, I cried. Self loathing. But its true. and I started to wonder why.

Its not about the material aspect but just being that close to someone where they want to share everything with you, see you happy. I forgot what that felt like. I forgot what it felt to really be that close, mentally to someone. So I continued to cry. I laugh now, today because I have had opportunities like that, but I never was my true self long enough to enjoy those aspects.

And it made me realize.

I need to change. Everything....so its day 1....today I will start anew....

I can only imagine what would be in store tomorrow.

A End to all Ends

Heart beats fast.

Colors and promises.

How to be brave.

How can I love when I'm afraid?



To fall
To forget you?



But watching you stand alone



All of my doubt



Suddenly goes away somehow





One step closer
In another Lifetime






I have died everyday
waiting for you
don't be afraid
I have loved you for a,
Thousand years
I'll love you for a
Thousand more.




Time stands still
beauty in all she is.



I will be brave.



I will not let anything,
Take away,
My Lifetime



What's standing in front of me,
In another Lifetime



Every breath,
Every hour has come to this.





And all along I believed,
I would find you
In another Lifetime



Time has brought,
Your heart to me.



And all along I believed
I would find you
In another Lifetime



Time has brought
You to me.
Not this Lifetime.


Till then....

Response to a "Mr. 50 Shades of Grey"

Dear Sir,


Ive have been thinking all morning of something clever. I normally aim to please, but I need to be frank first.



I am not your ordinary woman. I am not a submissive type. I am a working hard professional, independent and very aggressive. As you can tell,  I am not shy. Not one bit. I hold back on nothing. I am the aggressor. I am the the Dominant. I am always in control. I know what I want, what I like and will do anything to get my way. Now, now don't be turned off by this. I am not looking to play your role, I am looking to stop playing it. I for once want to satisfy my craving for "letting go" as some say. I am looking to be, for once, the submissive. I am tired of always being the one in control. I have everything I want in life, except fulfillment in my fantasies. This is my fantasy, to ones only, and I will do anything to achieve that.



I just want to let go.



Now, I can play this role, not because its suited for me in everyday life, but because I find my self sexual overwhelmed by letting go of the reins and leaving the control to another. I am aggressive in my sexual nature. I don't make love, I fuck. I want the aggression, I want to feel it in every fucking inch of my body. I want to be dominated, because this only, will satisfy me.



I am not one either to share my submissiveness with other sub-missives. I know you may frown upon this, but I say it not due to my experimentation in threesomes, but because when I am being fucked, I want all the attention. I do not like to share, therefore I will not.



I am willing to explore all possibilities in this nature with you. I can promise I do not disappoint, but I will not go out of my way to prove my passion, because I know you will not be disappointed.



Now I have my hard limits and my soft limits. I will not take part in anything anally, or any type of fisting. Besides that being said. I am open to ANYTHING else. I am also open to taking my punishment for not pleasing you in whole. I think we all should be punished for not pleasuring correctly. Dont you agree?



 I want to save bedroom manner for the bedroom. I am an exhibitionist. I like to take the risk and I don't mind if I am caught. I enjoy being taken advantage of and being used to where I can not even walk the next day. I enjoy touch, light or hard and will never say stop. (although, I do believe in "safe" words as an option if you don't mind)



Now if all of this has kept you intrigued, even wondering anything about me; I'd be glad to hear back from you. If not, good luck in your endevours. But, if you choose to play...you know where to find me Sir.



Till then,